Today Tim let me sleep in and got up with K at 6 this morning. I just crawled out of bed at 7:30. Not feeling any better. Today I am weepy, critical, looking at all the negative, ugggg just blahhhh.. K is napping and Tim took Matt to Home Depot. Just catching up on blogs and admiring everyone's hard work. I am not taking Zoloft now for about a month. I was fine until Monday. I really didn't know that adrenaline could keep you going for so long. The beginning of the school year and the surprise party were just a big high for me. I am trying to sort out feelings and look forward to the future. I need to be in the present and take it one hour at a time. My adorable innocent 3 year old is sooo happy. I feel so the opposite and am afraid to let myself be. Cause I am falling apart. Tim sees it. He was like what do you want me to do. I told him to just not get mad at me. This post is just so wierd huh? The biggest contributor to my mood is drinking. I know I have an addictive personality. Since, food isn't a choice anymore to help me feel or rather numb my feelings, I have been drinking wine. So today is it for a while to see how I feel without having it. Once Tim left for home depot, i thought i would have some chips and a hot dog. Typically pre band food. Well, after 3 chips, that stuck feeling, then bite of hot dog, it all is stuck. PBing since. Won't move. So can't eat.
My close friend who has gone through post pardum and is very observant called me on Wednesday. She asked are you okay? This was before I even started to acknowledge something was up with my mood. Mind you, this phone call was on her birthday, she was calling me. I said I was ok and what made her suspect something? She said I was quiet at work today and just not my normal self. Sooo caught me off guard for someone to be in tune to that enough to recognize before I do. Ohhh nooo... I used the be master of hiding..... I don't need to hide cause that just hurts so much. I am reallllllyyyyyy blabbbbbbering and this should be about lapband. But this is how I ended up fat.....my eating got out of control..... my eating was to numb my feelings......as does alcohol..........hmmmmm....... I need a new addiction......will it be running???? it should be........for the sake of my children, life and happiness.
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I am worried about you. Wanna email me? my email is amy.workman@gmail.com. If not, you can email whenever about whatever. You blogs don't have to be just about lapband, they can be about you too bc there is some great support amongst us girls!
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking about you.
AMy
Babe, you can write about whatever you need to write about! Always. I hope things start turning around for you. Perhaps it is the wine or maybe you do need that zoloft again. Couldn't hurt to talk to someone about how you're feeling no matter what the deal is!
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