Living Life ...My Weight Loss Journey

Insanity!

2010-03-23T04:52:00.000-07:00

Embarked on a new workout routine and program. Started Shaun T's 60 day Insanity workout program. Last week my husband and I completed the fit test (day 1) but with the clocks moving ahead an hour and how freakin tired we were in the evening decided to start yesterday. It was soo hard only 40 minutes including warm up and cool down. But we pushed through the workout. I love it because it's on DVD and we dont have to be in the garage working out with weights are on the treadmill.
Life really never stays the same. It seems once I get in the groove of a workout routine it has to change. Like anything in life. But with me working out on my own at home has never been my thing. So my bootcamp trainer who we hired to come to my work in the afternoons after school took a month off. Well, a couple of us tried the dvds to keep us going. Didn't work...no real accountablilty. First 2 times was fine then one or two of us couldn't make it and the motivation wasn't there anymore for me. I am soo envious of my friend J who will workout no matter what. Either at home in the morning or evening as long as she gets it done. Me? no way...I will use my time doing what ever other than w/o. But she is in awesome shape.
Didn't know if I mentioned this but I am on a 3 week vacation. Have a list a mile long of what Iwant to do while I am off. Hmmm..thought one of them was to sleep but here I sit at 5 in the a.m. Going to the gym this morning and yes, do the day 2 of insanity this evening with my husband. I just want to try working out twice. Basically, I miss the bootcamp class at the gym and the friends I have made there. When I work obviously I don't see that group during the week and not much lately on the weekend.
As far as eating, I suck. I sooo need to eat better. Make better choices, blah, blah, blah! I feel like crap. I will eat well for a day or so then really eat what ever I want. I don't feel my band as much when I eat crap food. But when I eat healthy I need to follow the rules about not eating fast and chewing well. I forget I have the band most of the time when I am alone. When eat in with friends I will eat very minimal for fear of getting stuck. Friends will even comment that I didn't eat much. Most of the time I am really hungry when I get home then will eat my left overs. So thats where I don't make good choices. For example at BJs Pizza I ordered a chardonney shrimp pasta and only ate a few bites then late that night ate almost all of it. Not very good on my stomach when I went to bed. But it tasted sooo good. Well, I had better go get ready before my kiddos wake up. Off to start my day. Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day!

My Surprise!

2010-03-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this by saying I typed this a couple weeks ago but the pics wouldn't upload and I haven't been back since. I will post again later but wanted to put this up first.

So it's been a while since I posted and I have just been busy... Sooooo Tim had planned such a wonderful surprise for me two weeks ago. I felt sooo good getting ready and just full of anticipation. So it was Saturday morning two weeks ago and we woke up to hear the new of the earthquake in Chile. Living in So. California there was a tsunami warning mentioned as well as for Hawaii. We know now that the tides were high but nothing came of it. Then on top of the warning our weather was stormy and just pouring rain. So Tim was saying how the rain could cancel our plans. I was like okay we will make the best of it. He said go ahead and wear the dressy clothes in case it wasn't cancelled. Dressed and ready to go we headed off in the car. Tim gets a phone call and was very vague with whom ever he was talking to. He said it was off but we can make the best of it. As soon as he started heading south on the freeway I guessed we were driving to San Diego. He said that last year when we were there I commented on the beautiful Hyatt Hotel ( I have such a bad memory of things I say, so if I said it then I'm sure I would love it now) So we get to the hotel all dressed up at noon and nowhere to go. Our room wasn't ready so we headed the bar and had a glass of wine and watched Hawaii on CNN. Then Tim gets a text and picks up my hand and says ready to go? OMG, I knew it!!! He had such a twinkle in his eye and didn't seem soooo disappointed by the cancellation...well we walked to the front of the hotel as a limo pulls up to the curb. He opened the door and there sat our two great friends that happen to be our neighbors. What a great surprise!!! She was the one that took me shopping for the outfit I was wearing!!!! Geez, it felt great to be surpised by Tim and our friends. I haven't been in a limo since I was 16. So off we went to a casino for some gambling. We had fun playing the tables and then we came back to the hotel. Tim and I went to dinner and met up with our friends at the top of the Hyatt for a cocktail and a delicious dessert. So, really what was cancelled because of the weather was instead of taking the limo to the casino, we were going to take a helicopter to the casino and back. Tim was dissappointed that didn't work out thought I would think the limo was a let down. Nooo way...It was an awesome weekend. BTW, I really couldn't eat because I was so excited and I just had a hard time eating. On Sunday, we drove up the coast watched the huge crashing waves. So here are some pictures of our weekend. To end this post I really and truly happy that I had the lapband and am where I am today. I feel great, confident and I don't hate myself anymore. I am comfortable wearing clothes and not feeling like I am too fat to wear nice clothes. I don't beat myself up anymore. I am finally enjoying life and wanting to experience and embrace life.

Surprise!

2010-02-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

I have never bought anything like this ever! But I did today!!! So my husband has planned a weekend surprise coming up! I've known about this for about 4 weeks or so and it has been not so big until now. He asked my friend (I'll call her R) to take me shopping because he told her where we are going and or doing. He had no idea how to tell me to dress. So we went to the White House Black Market store. Love it! So I tried on several outfits. I tell you my friend is like a personal shopper and has great taste! She mentioned that I should try on this boustier (the above) when we walked in and I dismissed it cause I've never worn such a thing. So my friend R was gathering shirts, cami's, pants, shrugs with the help of the saleslady. So I had decided on a pink cami and black cardigan with pink accents. R kept saying to try on the boustier and she picked one up on clearance for herself in a different color and tried it on. Sooo cute on her. No fat folds over the back which I didn't want to tell her was my biggest fear. As I was asking the saleslady to put my outfit aside so we could shop more in the outdoor mall, R said try this on...so I did. That one wouldn't even zip in the back so she went out and got the one above. Didn't have an 8 but the 10 fit perfect. And to my amazement no fat coming over the edges. So now we were on to another outfit. One that was way out of my comfort zone!!! Although after wearing the complete outfit I was comfy. OKAY People I am hanging up my safe cami and sweater for a BOUSTIER! Although I did buy a sweater to go with it. But I will take it off for my hubby. OMG! I can't wait to find out what my husband planned. This is to celebrate my 40th and our 15th wedding anniversary. We are doing it early because we have so many big things this summer. Both our kids' birthdays are in June, and we will be in Maine for mine. So Tim wanted to do it now. I really don't have a clue. Only my friend knows what we are doing. He didn't even tell my mom who was visiting with us this weekend. Well, I just wanted to share and check in with my fellow bloggers. Thanks for listening! Have a great week everyone!!!

P.S. My bootcamp instructor I have been with over a year has some physical ailment and can't train us for over a month. I am sooo nervous and don't want to stop working out. I just have been in a great routine that I didn't have any excuses and I had to be accountable. Now she is not going to be coming to my work (so spoiled), now I have to make myself workout.

So this week I plan to eat clean, workout, drink water, get a mani/pedi, (thinking about a spray tan but I'm scared to look orangy), whiten teeth, wax, hmmmm I sound like I am a wreck right now.
oxox Michele

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-15T13:03:00.001-08:00

Yep, we had lobsters for VALENTINES DAY! Mmmm, the butter was soo good with it...now onward. Back to eating right. Well, I did have some leftovers today.

In two weeks Tim has planned an overnight trip to celebrate my 40th birthday and our 15th wedding anniversary. He planned it so early because we have some extra money and we are going to be traveling this summer. I have no idea where we are going. Dress is elegant. He was worried about spending too much money. He said it took a lot of planning and thought. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I don't know what I am going to wear.

So yesterday I planned the menus for the week and went grocery shopping for it all. The rest of today I will be cooking it all so that it will be easy to reheat or unthaw and eat. Last week reallly sucked. Boy, I ate really bad and it was because we went on our trip and when I got home didn't plan menus or shop. So we had take out or quick fixes all week. Uggg. So back to it. My workouts were good this week: Bootcamp Wed, Friday, and Saturday. Sooo sore from not working out the week before.

All our plane, hotel, lake house and rental car reservations are made for our July trip to Maine and Idaho! 5 months to go. I love having something exciting to look forward to so I can strive for something.

I love reading all your blogs and I am going to try to write more this week! I learn so much from reading your blogs and laugh too. I makes me feel normal when I know people are going through the same things I am. So I am off to prepare our meals for the week.
Blog at ya later,
Michele

Back from our Reunion!

2010-02-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

Matthew on the pier at Avila Beach, California Me and Kaitlyn from our room's balcony.

Kaitlyn smiling

Tim and I at Avila Beach

I had such a wonderful time reconnecting from family members I haven't seen in about 15 years or more. They live in the San Francisco area and they are second cousins and we just really aren't that close. But we want to change things. We have our kids now and have more in common. Fun people and really nice I have to say. Relaxing weekend at a hotel right on the beach and being February not crowded at all! Rainy but the sun shined at times and the weather didn't interrupt anything. We swam in the heated pool, played on the beach, ate out, and just hung out in the lobby and each others rooms. We had 12 rooms rented so we were thankful to have family next to us because the first night my 20 month old would not go to sleep and was crying at midnight. Anyways, after eating sooo good last week I think my band is tighter. I had to really watch what I ate and just basically picked at food all weekend. Didn't eat too much and didn't PB. I am going grocery shopping today and planning our meals. Have a great Monday!!! I hope all you back east are home and don't have to dig out to go to work today.

Mini Family Reunion

2010-02-04T22:04:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we are heading up the coast to Avila Beach near Pismo Beach for a small family reunion my dad planned last year. Not sure of the total number of people going but enough to book 12 rooms in a hotel on the beach. I am looking forward to seeing aunts, uncles, cousins and my dad. My children are going to have a blast playing in the sand and swimming in the heated pool. I will watch what I eat but not worry so much about it. I am sooo happy that when I was getting my clothes ready I really don't have to worry about what I look like. Or embarrassed the way I look. I stopped in NY and Co. for the two for one pants sale. Found size 8p jean that I loved and then they didn't have the size in another jean so I could get a free on. Well the sales lady was like take a size 6 and after the trip return it to another store for correct size. I agreed and in the back of my mind I can make it a goal to fit in them. OMG when I got home I tried them on and they fit! Little snug but they have 2% spandex and feel okay. They are midrise cause all the low rise I can't get over my hips. That was fun and exciting finding that out. I bought a pair of old navy sweetheart jeans in a 6 but those pants always seem to run bigger.
So I won't blog until Sunday night or Monday since we are going away.
Today I ate well but after shopping I was sooo hungry. I stopped at Wendy's and got a 5 piece spicy nuggets. So good! Otherwise followed my diet all day and still full of enery and completely exhausted when it's time for bed. Have been sleeping like a rock too.
Took my little man to get a haircut tonight and he was sooo excited this time to sit in the big chair and watch her cut his hair. He smiled the whole time. He didn't even want to wash his hair at bathtime cause it would get messed up. He's sooooo growing up. Using all these big words in context and asking so many thoughtful questions. Can't wait to spend the weekend at the beach with him!
oxox Michele

And onward....

2010-02-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

So another day. Sitting and watching Ruby on Oprah. She just walked out in jeans:) So proud of all her hard work. I have watched her show at times and so interested in watching her find out why she gained so much weight. I know I ate to suppress my feeling and I feel that the band prevents me from doing that, well as much as I used to. Just recently, like a couple weeks ago I stopped at Jack in the Box and got a sampler tri (2 eggrolls, 3 stuffed jalepenos, and 3 mozzarella cheese sticks) Well I rushed home and at it all and can't believe this but it all went down without me getting sick. I was almost totally numb for the rest of the night and felt like crap. Whew. I think that I was dealing with my emotions that way and slipped up. I am so glad those episodes don't come along as often as the used to.

So I ate pretty good today. This morning I could only eat 1/4 of my breakfast sandwich. Then I meant to eat it at my 10:00 recess and forgot I had it(that is sooo unlike me, to forget food!). I had a slice of turkey and swiss cheese on a rye crisp. For lunch I went out with my teacher friends and had a salad with blue cheese. Large coffee. Then was in a meeting after school and had to rush to bootcamp. I realized I was sooo hungry. Work out was brutal today! Love the rush afterwards when I am done. I came back to my classroom and was so focused and prepped my work for tomorrow. I am feeling so much better while I am teaching and sooo focused and efficient. I was before but this is different. I am much more energetic.
After bootcamp I ate the texas cavier(black beans, corn, pico de gallo, cumin) in the car on the way home.
For dinner I made chicken stir fry with brown rice.
I did have more water than yesterday but also had more coffee too. Love coffee!!!! I think I need to make icetea to get more fluids in. Feeling good though. Well, I should be off to bed.
oxox Michele

Day 2

2010-02-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

Well another great day!! Just got home from having Mexican food with my cousin whom I haven't seen in 4 years! Nice to get to chat and talk about life and family:)
Today was a great eating day as well.
Coffee
Breakfast: egg sand on wheat eng. muffin
snack: other half of above
Lunch: Tuna Salad sand (absolutely love the thin sandwich bread)
Snack: Texas Cavier ( Biggest Loser Family cookbook recipe) awsome with baked tostitos
Dinner: Grilled chicken breast tacos (only ate the chic, chs, and lettuce) few bites of rice/beans
I need to drink more water tomorrow!!!
Overall, I have tons more energy. I am not hungry at all. I am eating less and it actually is filling me up. Wow...this is how the band really works. No exercise today because I met my cousin for dinner. Tomorrow I have bootcamp though. Off to bed and can't wait to watch the Biggest Loser that I tivoed. Has to wait until tomorrow night. By by red team? hhmmmm? maybe? Night all...

Day 1

2010-02-01T19:12:00.001-08:00

Well, I followed my meal plan today. Had my last two girl scout cookies and now I can move on thinking about them:)
7:15 Started my morning with a fried egg sandwich (whole wheat english muffin, ff cheese, ham)
Only could eat half of it and ate very slowly.
At 9:30 ate the other half of breakfast sandwich
Lunch was tuna, alpha alpha sprouts on the the new thin wheat sandwich bread along with tomatoes and cucumber. Had to eat this over an hour period and slow so it would go down
After bootcamp in the car driving home I had a hard boiled egg (only the white) and a quarter of an orange (that's all that would go down before I knew it would all get stuck)
So I am waiting for my hubby to get of the treadmill before I do my 20 minutes of cardio, then shower, then eat.
Dinner is sloppy joes- ground turkey on whole wheat.
So far I feel good and I know my band is working efficiently. Good food goes down a lot slower than the craapppy food!
I hope everyone had a great day!!! I am going to sleep great tonight!

5 months or 23 weeks or 161 days

2010-01-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

Found my motivation! On July 11 we are flying to Boston!! Then driving to mid-coast Maine and staying a week at a lake house with my very bestest friend from Virginia!! Cathy and I have know each other since 1st grade but became best friends in 8th grade!!! She was my inspiration to get the lapband and just been there for me all my life. Even though we live 3500 miles apart. So we are both taking our families to Maine for a week. My children will be 2 and 4 and hers are 4 and 6. Plus our husbands be with us who have met before and hit it off.
To top it offf........I will turn 40 during our week stay!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEK! Hard to believe!!!
This is how I am approaching my new found motivation....
I want to feel happy about what I have achieved and know I did my best
Do my healthiest eating and 100 percent effort into my exercise
I want to look at the pictures and feel proud of myself and where I was at in my life (mentally and physically) opposed to the shame I feel when I look at other pictures during my life.
So today starts the count down.
Then I am thinking how is this different from the time we went to Hawaii and I tried unsuccessfully???????....
I have the lapband!!!!!!!!
in addition, I have been doing consistent exercise for a year now, I still have a supportive husband, I just need to fuel my body better. To use the energy to feel good and cut down on empty calories (wine).
Lastly, I am not going to focus on the number on the scale. I need to realize how muscle and fat weight different and focus on my measurements

I also need to blog daily or at least a couple days a week. I need to pick a focus topic instead of ramble like I usually do.

Well, off I go to plan this weeks menus. More blogging later.....
oxox Mich

Missed

2010-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve at Disney On IceChristmas Day with Kaitlyn (yep, the couch is outside to make room inside)

Matthew and I at Disney on Ice

Well, I felt the need to blog today and say HI! I have disappeared for a while not really sure why just busy I guess. Christmas and New Year's have past. I can't believe February is just a few days from now. Time is flying. Nothing has changed with my weight loss still around 147-150. I really want to lose the last 25 but haven't changed my eating habits much or cut out drinking. I think that is the biggest thing going on is trying to find the motivation to work more on those two things. I am still eating very little because of the band but could be having more lean protein and drinking more water. Basically, making better food choices. As far a drinking I am not drinking everyday but I feel that the extra calories consumed doesn't help me achieve my goal. It is bothering me that I am not working on it. My husband just came of his "outage" schedule of 12 hour shifts/6 days a week. So for the last week we have both been home at least by 5:30 together. He wants to start working out in the garage together it gives us some quality time together besides eating and watching tv then going to bed. So I will add at least 2 more days of cardio and weights to my bootcamp routine. It is amazing that my exercise is the only constant this year. I have worked out for 1 year now consistantly. I have to say when I don't work out I don't feel as good mentally. I love that my bootcamp is hard and it has many fit in shape strong women in there. The Saturday bootcamp that I have been going to has many men in there and I can keep up with them. Hard to believe. Overall, I am happy with my band. I do need a push though. Not sure where it's going to come from because I don't feel horrible about myself or the way clothes feel. I am wearing mostly size 8petites, and a couple 6's. (I think they run big) and I am still getting compliments about weight loss. Really, I haven't lost weight since November or so.

Another huge thing my husband and I are contemplating is moving back to Maine. About 10 years ago Tim was transfered there and we lived there a year and a half. Such a short time but we moved back because I never got a teaching job and we wanted to have our kids with family around us (who live in CA). So we moved back. Ten years later we have great jobs, kids, house, stable....since we bought a new dream home 3 years ago we are upside down and will probably nevvver get what we owe, my job is safe today but CA budget sucks and we are laying off 200 or more teachers in our district alone, plus furlough days, possible pay cut, and my class size went from 20 to 24 this year and next year 32 kids! Sooooo, we have a chance to buy a house and property in the next couple months in Maine. Then we can short sale "dream" house and off we gooo....talk about stressssful decisions. My husband would move today. Me? My support system are: my mom, friends at work, my daycare provider (who is like family), my Bootcamp, and to not have them in my daily life would be so hard. Then I would be home with my kiddos. Love that but honestly I love working too. So we have a trip to Maine planned in March to look at propertys with a realtor.

We might just rent the home in Maine for a while until we want to move. I can deal with that and take our time on the move. Another great thing about being a teacher is when M starts preschool he has a chance to go to the one at my school. So he can be near me at work and I know his teacher. Life!

I love reading everyone's blog. I have some catching up to do. It is so exciting to be away for a while and come back and see the amazing changes and accomplishements that have happened! Lots of people are approaching goal and having bandiversaries!!! I am so proud of you all and this community.

oxox Michele

2009-12-21T17:29:00.001-08:00

Here are After and Before head shots.

After and Before behind shots (the pic on the right shows my then 2 yr. old at 5 in the morning before my surgery)

Notice my 3 year old playing with my necklace:)

Side shot of me before the surgery Dec 08

On vacation and loving being home with my two little ones:))) Ahhh...and just holding steady. Lost a pound after my aunt flo left town. Been grazing on the sweets a little too much but I am working out 3-4 times a week still so it has been keeping me at the same weight. Here are some pictures and don't know if I am done because after the new year I plan to lose 20. Right now I am happy and want to enjoy being with my family and relaxing. So I am still thrilled that I have the lapband and I am much happier than I was last year at this time. I am looking forward to Christmas and the new year!

Merry Christmas my lapband friends! You guys are great and I really love reading everyone's blogs and learning from you. Love to all....Michele

I Have Graduated?

2009-12-06T11:30:00.000-08:00

What? I didn't know that once you have reached your capacity then the Dr. doesn't need to see you anymore. Well, I guess I am at capacity and tight enough because he couldn't put any saline in the band because when I swallowed the water got stuck. So I have a total of 7.5 in a 10 cc band. He just thought my weight loss this year has been great and he doesn't think I need to lose anymore. I told him I wanted to lose 20 more. He said I look great.that he didn't think so. I said well I am still obese according to the charts. He said don't go by those go by how you feel. Well, I still feel overweight. I know I can be 125 and that is reasonable for being 5'1". When the dr. left the room, I asked the nurse what that was about. She was one inch shorter than me and weights 107. So I don't know if the dr. is just done with me because my year is up? He was nice about it and said I can come back if I have any problems but since I filled to what I can stand that I have graduated. But wouldn't you think he would want me to reach my goal. I agree that I couldn't take anymore fill today when he started injecting it. I became so tight. I thought I would at least get a little tighter...hmmmm. Well, i admit I need to eat better.
I did meet someone that was just banded and we talked quite a while. I shared my blog with her. I think the blogs really do help in the process. I know there are people going through the same struggles as me. Good luck, Diane:)) I hope you start blogging I would love to know how you are doing:) Have a great Sunday!!!! It's actually cold here today and we are expecting a big storm! Yeah! Love winter!

Scheduled a fill

2009-11-29T16:17:00.000-08:00

Next Sunday I will go in for a well needed fill. But I really need to eat clean. Someone posted about all the slider foods that go down without a problem. That is me. OMG. I have eaten so much lately that I feel bloated and gassy. Blah. Tomorrow I go back to work after being on a 3 week break. So back to working out after school and keeping more on a schedule. Love teaching in that it's so scheduled throughout the day with recesses and lunch. Although before the band I would be so darn hungry since our lunch is at 11 that I would hit a drive thru around 4pm and then eat dinner with my family a few hours later. Now it's totally different.

I don't have much to say today. Been getting a lot of our Christmas shopping done. Playing with the kids. Eating too much. Put up the Christmas tree. Normal stuff. How boring am I?

On to do the laundry before the week starts. Have a great week everybody!!! Can't believe my 1 year bandiversary is approaching. I am feeling like I should have done better. But it is what it is.

When I'm Done! And other Stuff

2009-11-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

Thank you everyone for posting comments on my last blog entry. I have been out of town visiting my dad up north. It was fun to take the kids up to play on his property. Matthew is all about dirt! So, that's why I didn't respond to the comments in a timely manner.

So I hope that my band stays forever. And I definately want to maintain my weight loss. That's never happened before. Do you have those people in your life that have seen you at your highest then lose then gain it back. Well, I have some people who I have know forever and they don't know I got the band, so I wonder if they are thinking about when I am going to gain the weight back. They might not be thinking that but maybe I am. I understand now that I would not want to get an unfill. That makes sense. I want to eat less and so I need a smaller stomach to feel full.

As for what will be my focus when I am done losing weight? I have spent so much of my lifetime thinking, stressing, worrying, and feeling bad about my weight. It is so nice for that to have lessened since the band. I feel happier and healthier. I need another focus. So, let's see. A big part of my life right now is spent working out. That definately will continue because it makes me feel sooo good. Weird since I haven't worked out since Monday because I was out of town. I miss it. I also dropped 3 pounds. That usually happens if I don't workout as much. So workout and take care of my family. On Friday, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought some cookbooks so that I can make new dinners for our family. I really don't like cooking and feel in a rut. It changed when I was banded because I don't eat as much or enjoy it as much. So I have decided to make some new things and put some effort into making nice dinners. My other focus is losing the last 22 pounds. I know I can do it and stop fooling myself into eating what ever.

Just a few other thoughts:

1. I waste so much food. Like a couple times I have been hungry and stop for a chicken bowl at Jack in the Box. Eat the chicken and toss the rest. I could have made a better choice?
Buy breads at the store and it goes with only a few slices eaten by my kids. Tossed out again.
Make a casserole. Family eats it for dinner and the leftovers go into trash.

2. I am going to try to clean house today. Wish me luck! I start one thing and get distracted and never quite finish anything.

3. Go Dallas!!! Can't wait for the Dallas vs. Redskins game today.

4. I am addicted to Facebook, too.

5. I have one more week of vacation (then work for 3, then off for 2) love being a teacher

6. Looking forward to attending a bootcamp for charity on Thanksgiving morning. Crazy to think of working out on a day that was all about the stuffing! How far I've come in a year!

7. I heart coffee!!!

8. I will miss Oprah!

9. I love Criminal Minds, Nancy Grace, Biggest Loser, The Office, House Wives of OC. (embarrassed) But they live near me and it's great to see them being real about how the economy has affected them too. (BTW, did any of you think it was too soon for the makeover show on the Biggest Loser? They do look good but couldv'e waited a couple weeks? Then there would be two less contestants probably why they did it now?)

10. Blogging is hard for me. I don't really know who is reading this. I don't know really who I am talking to. Space sometimes. Me sometimes. and now that I am getting comments and I am into other blogs YOU! Ha!

11. Right now my kids are playing with each other while I am writing this. They are finally interacting with each other (ages 17 mths and 3 yr 5 mths)

12. Can't think of anything else!! Bye ya'll!!!

0x0x Michele

What happens?

2009-11-15T12:58:00.001-08:00

So what happens when we are finished losing weight? Several of you are so near goal? I am wondering because I don't really know what I will do? I am sure I will have an unfill. My husband thought I would have the whole thing removed. Right now, that is a no, no, and no! I can't imagine not having the safety net holding me back from regaining. In the past I have regained so many times. But then, how long does it really last inside the body before it deteriates and needs to be replaced? How long can it stay in? I guess I will be talking to my Dr. when I see him. What are you hearing from your dr. or what are you going to do?

When will I get serious about losing weight again? I have been working out so much that I think I am in denial (again) and think I can eat whatever goes down without PBing. I am having a couple glasses of wine almost nightly. Geez. And I think that when I get on the scale it will be moving. Nope, it is not! But I feel good. I feel strong. I feel tone. But I still have 20 pounds to lose at least. Even though muscle weighs more right? And I should not look at the numbers on the scale. But I have inches from my middle that I would like to lose. Anyways, thanks for listening. I need more motivation. I think I need to go for a fill and soon. I have been putting it off for about 3 weeks now.

A couple before and afters:)))

2009-11-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

Taken November 6, 2009 @ 147 pd. size 8

Taken November 7, 2009 Size 8 Levi's

Taken December 13, 2008 at 194 pds. size 16

Taken November 2008 at 194 pds size 16

It is so hard to believe that was me a year ago. I always knew it was not the real me and I was so far gone that I felt helpless until the band. It gave me control and hope that I can change. I don't feel worthless and like a failure anymore. That is the worst and heaviest feeling in the world to wake up to day in and day out. Finally, I am lighter emotionally and physically. I know weight shouldn't hold you back from enjoying life but it does me. I think because I am so self conscience and think everyone is thinking how fat I am. I believe it comes from when I was young and people would make comments about my weight. I wasn't that big either but I always wanted to be the cute skinny girl. I felt I wasn't ever good enough and had to change. I've changed but for all the good. I think it's about changing my thinking. Changing the tape in my head and negative talk that I tell myself. Anyways, blah blah blah.... Onward......

These are for you Amy! Thanks everyone for leaving comments and writing great blogs about living with the band! Love reading about everyones experiences:)

Off to the dentist, then to my favorite consignment shop in Newport Beach! I am hoping to find some great clothes for cheap. This place always has the best designer clothes and there's nothing wrong with them. So why not? Beats paying full price for things I plan on not wearing next fall/winter.

Next month is my 1 year bandiversary and I will take some full length shots to compare. Bye ya'll!

I'm on VACATION!

2009-11-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

Yep, crazy busy days are over for 3 weeks while I am off work. No more teaching, report cards, parent conferences, and getting up early, at least for 3 weeks. I am looking forward to being mommy. My goals though are to plan some new menus because I just have been in a rut as far as making good dinnners. Uggg not my favorite thing but I am going to start looking a cookbooks, online, and just plan menus and grocery lists. Plus get back to coupon shopping. I have been so short on time and it hasn't been a priority.

On the weight loss front, I am at a plateau. Still between 147-150. Up and down. I know I am not making the best food choices. So I am going to make good choices this week and just see how tight I really am. I have learned what goes down the easiest and maybe not low in calories and I eat that til I am satisfied. Well, if I choose leaner proteins and salads I am sure I would lose. But I think I maybe need another fill. My last fill was in was in September and was nervous to be overfilled and didn't quite get enough.

A couple NSV are: I am a solid size 8 in pants. I bought a pair of Levi's I feel great in them. Although by the end of the day they were a little loose and I wonder if I should tried the 6? Dare I? I can't freakin believe it. Another thing is my closet has very few fall/winter clothes because last year I was L/XL shirts/sweaters and 16 pants. For the most part I have taken all my pants to Good Will and the kept a few sweaters but I just need new cuter things. They remind me of being depressed and heavier, plus they are too big. I need to go shopping while I am on vacation.
Another NSV is that I will have to get my rings sized down. They are twisting and turning that I am afraid I will lose them. I love slipping them on and off so easily because I couldn't do that before without soap.
NSV: I am happier!!!! I am not worried about how I look so much. (only when I don't have anything to wear cause they are too big:))) I don't feel embarrassed and I have been getting so many nice comments. I feel like I carry myself taller because I am stronger physically. I have more energy to take care of my children. Having little ones is sooo physical with bending over, carrying them, running up and down stairs to find shoes ect... Now I doing it without complaining so much.

Have a great day everyone!!!!

The Power of Thoughts

2009-10-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who

cannot change their minds cannot change anything."

--George Bernard Shaw

"Your thoughts determine your frequency, and your feelings tell you immediately what frequency you are on. When you feel bad, you are on the frequency of drawing more bad things. When you feel good, you are powerfully attracting more good things to you." p. 43 The Secret

Before I got pregnant with Kaitlyn now 2 years ago, I had made a focus board to post what I wanted out of life at the time. At that time we were seeking help with our fertility dr. to have baby number 2. On the board I asked for another child and cut out pics of babys and had a couple baby stickers. On the board I also had pics of clothes I would love to wear when I got to the size I wanted because I was attempting to lose weight. Well both things I asked for contradicted each other having a baby and losing weight but both I wanted. Amazingly 2 months after I asked the universe for this I found out I was pregnant, naturally!! Yep, no IVF this time. We tried for 10 years and 3 rounds of IVF to have Matthew and it took once without even knowing that we became preg. We were totally shocked!!! And Tim was like who is hte Father, ha ha. Well, now 16 months later I am at my lowest weight in a long long time. Is that because of my board too?

So I am not that into the universe and laws of attraction, but I am looking for ways to change my thinking. Actually, I am scared to even write why I am seeking this change it because it's like summoning more bad things. I'm just having some anxiety that started when stuff was taken out of my car. Also, the law of attraction doesn't recognize "no, don't, or not" in sentences (p. 14). So the more I think I don't want something that is what I am attracting more of, what I don't want. It's funny, but not, but one the phrases in the book says, "I don't want to argue." I say that when we are having a spat and have the rest of the day together and we are going down the wrong path, I will say that but it doesn't help anything.

So today, Sunday, October 11 I am going to work on an updated focus board. I saw a link on Oprahs website a few months ago but haven't looked at it. Kinda want to do my own and see where it takes me.

Another thing I am doing in the morning to help turn my negative feelings/thoughts into positive ones is read a passage from "Change Your Thoughts-Change Your Life" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It's kinda like a meditation, I read a verse, he calls them, each morning and journal about it. I can tell when I stop taking that time for myself in the morning. So with waking up an extra 15 minutes it helps me throughout the day. In March when Tim and I went and had massages the bookshop had another book of his called Being in Balance. I love that one too.

So today my goal is to complete my focus board. Play with my children and be present in the moment. Ahhh...happy Sunday!!!! Tim will be working his normal 12 hours today and will be home at 7 tonight. I am going to do the Jillian Michaels DVD today since I can't take my kiddos to the gym. They have runny noses and I don't want them to catch anything more or give their colds to others. Have a great day!!!

The lowest I've been in 12 years!!!!

2009-10-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I have officially reached 148 pound this morning!!!!! Yep, at this weight 12 years ago I was joining Lindora, a So. Cal weight loss chain. It is a low carb diet and medically supervised. Then about 4 years before that I had joined Jenny Craig. Then before that it was NutriSystem. All around this weight. I feel really good right now. So anyways, it's kinda weird to be this low. Hard to explain but I put on some nice lounge pants that fit snug in March or so, when I was thinking I was thin. Well they are really baggy where I wouldn't wear them to take the trash out to the curb. I am happy, happy about it!!! Anyways, thanksfor listening. Things are good!!! Going to put a puzzle together with my 3 year old who is yanking my arm. Bye!!!

P.S. I am sorry I keep missing letters and words in my posts. Just that i am always rushing to post something between mommy moments and stuff:))))) i really am educated ha

Organizing

2009-10-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

I used to be soo organized. Now? not so much. My goal is to get it together. House stuff with two kids and a hubby who works long hours it's hard to keep up. Yesterday I took the day off to relax and now there is crap everywhere. Uggg....now it's cleaning the kitchen, laundry, and cleaning in general that needs to be done. Then there's organization of little things. Like, my kid's socks, my hair barretts, shoes, and things need a place, again. I have been tired after working, cooking, stuff that needs to be done that the organization went by the wayside.
So, after this post is finished, and my coffee is finished brewing, I am off to clean as much as I can with Matthew running around. How's that for a plan?

This all stems from this morning when I almost talked myself out of going to spin class this morning cause I couldn't find a barrett to hold my hair back, or my son's shoes (which daddy left them in the car and is a work) So it frustrates me when things hold me up. But I did go. My hair was fine as it's long enough for most to stay in a rubber band. I found other shoes for Matthew. But I almost said forget it. But I wouldv'e hurt myself if I wouldn't have gone and I feel so good after sweating and moving my body. Matthew needs to get of the house for a while too. But I think I am a perfectionist and expect a lot from myself and I am always looking at what needs to be done or what is messed up that I don't slow down and see what is good. I have to change that. I want to be more positive because lately I've been so harsh on myself and it's exhausting. I want things to look good and clean and neat but really I can only do so much. I also just want to play with my kids. I don't know what needs to change because it feels out of balance? I also want to watch football today but it's not much fun by yourself. I am such a rambler and all over the place in this post.

Here's what is good: I have my health, I am smaller, I have a loving husband who works hard for us, I have an adorable 3 year old who just minutes ago discovered what magnets do, I have a 16 month old who really loves to be held, so much we are dying for her to start walking, I have a comfy home, I have friends who care, I have my band, I have a working car, I have a wonderful job where I call my second home and my second family, I am acknowledging my feelings where as before I stuffed them, I love exercise now, I love that I feel proud that I am consistant with my workouts......

Lightbulb Moment: Okay, now that I am not beating myself up over my weight my focus and shifted to my surroundings. My stuff in my house, my classroom, my car and I notice neater people and more organzied people. (Like I used to compare my body to other (not as much now), I compare peoples houses or classrooms, ) Then I take a look at mine omg just can't keep up, or am overwhelmed with what needs to be done. What the heck is this? Am I crazy? I am not jealous of material stuff but how it's neatly kept up or clean. Is this crazy? Is this weird?
Anyways, I will be cleaning and trying to get stuff done! Have a great Sunday!!!!!

Little bit of Shopping and Indian Food

2009-10-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

Just that kinda day! Hubby too Matt to the big airshow for the day. I took Kaitlyn fall shopping. I am hesitating buying any clothes for myself for the time being. The kids definately needed new clothes for the season and they are growing so much. I did get some black pants at Khols for 13.99. I had to replace the ones that were stolen last week that were in my gym bag. Well, last year at this time I bought a size 14 petite and today the 8petites fit. OMG, I really can't believe it. When I first went to pull them up I was like now way are these going to fit. I still don't want to invest in some expensive clothes because I don't want to waste the money on something that I hopefully am not going to wear next year. This morning I took out the Wii to chart my progress. I just haven't done this in months. So here are the stats: in December 08 (2 weeks after my surgery) BMI 34.09 = Obese and today I am 28.22=Overweight. I have 22.5 pounds to lose to reach the Normal BMI of 25. Whew...I can't wait. So, now I am wondering how many calories are in Indian food? This is my second time this week having an indian curry bowl from this cafe that I found a couple months ago. I love the curries and spice. I find it goes down fine because of the sauce the chicken and basmati rice mixes with the sauce so it goes down fine. Love the hot spices. I can only have a couple bites of the Naan bread before I get that feeling of getting stuck.
So, I am going to enjoy the rest of the day by reading a good book while K is taking her p.m. nap. My mom always gives me her books after she reads them so I have a closet full to choose from. I love murder mystery and police detective stories. I just never have time to read and I have been too darn tired to read at night lately. Have a great day everyone!!!

Trying to figure this out....

2009-09-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

Since I posted I have done several things. Went to spin class and felt like beating my self to death and trying to mentally get a handle on why this happened with the ring and all (see prev. post). Talked to my two friends after class about it. Weird but mentioned to Nancy the day my gym bag went missing. And we just laughed and said, "hate missing things because you think about it all day." Then yesterday I told her it was stolen and luckily nothing of value. Then today I just was near crying and in a quivering voice after class, being drained, let it all out. They comforted me. Now I understand what this has meant to me. I feel that I didn't show enough love or pride or what have you in the gift my dad gave to me so I could pass it down to my son. Why is that? I left it in the glove box. I am learning a big lesson the hard way. Possessions and what they mean. It took me back to when I was 15 and my mom saved money to buy me a designer handbag (Aigner) popular in the 80's. I mean we were flat broke and she put it on layaway for me. I had it about a month and went to the public pool stuck it in a locker without a lock. Went swimming, came back and it was stolen. Sick. sick. Why? Stupid.
So after talking with my friends and coming home I tried to file a police report but their server wouldn't accept it. I need to call the p.d. tomorrow during business hours to file one.
Then I cleaned the garage and parked my car inside.
I will have to move on.

So today after spin I weighed myself and I am at an all time low: 149. (goal is 125) I sweated so much on that damn bike. Amazing. So that was 4 days of working out this week and eating ok. I haven't been drinking wine in the evenings either. I think I am more focused than I had been the last couple months. I think I could use more fill but don't want to go back for fear I will be too tight. My hubby started working 6 days a week/12 hour shifts so I will be even more busy with the kiddos and really doing it all. This busy schedule happens once a year and runs until Christmas. Good overtime but he really misses us. Last year he had to be on nights and that was a killer for me. I was a few months postpartum and was really overwhelmed and ended up on antidep. This time I am going to use exercise to get through it. Like today normally wouldn't have done the spin class. But taking the kids out to the gym breaks up the day and they love playing with the other kids. Matthew loves the gym. I love when he says, "you going to workout mommy?" Isn't that healthy? Wow! So hard to believe. And when I am done he asks, "why are you all wet mommy?" Ahhhhh....
Gotta go naptime for Kaitlyn is over...time to play!!!!

Just sick:(

2009-09-27T07:45:00.001-07:00

I have never ever had this sickening helpless feeling!!!! I had some stuff stolen from my car!!! On Wednesday morning I went to get my gym bag in my car to put stuff in it. Couldn't find it and just thought that's weird and I was running late that I just packed another bag. Then for two days my hubby and I looked everywhere. I cleaned out my car Monday nite but usually leave my bag in the car and put new in the morning of my workout. So we came to the conclusion that I mustv'e left my car unlocked and someone took it. Then yesterday we are looking for the diaper bag, not there. Then noticed the first aid kit was gone too. Okay, they really didnt get much but for some work clothes, a pair of sandles, and costume jewelry that I put in my bag before I workout. Diaper bag, so what diapers, cream, wipes, the normal cheap stuff. Not a designer bag either. Okay, still thinking this is not so bad for a stupid mistake, my hubby says this is a crime of convenience, finding a car unlocked. But here's the sickening part!!!! Yesterday on our way to a birthday party, I opened the glove compartment, and realized I had left a ring that my dad had given to me. My dad was part of the target racing team for about 4 years and they won 3 championships. When the team wins, they all get the big gold championship rings with their name engraved. Dad gave one to each of his 3 children. When he gave it to me we were just getting in the car and my stuff was packed in the back as he lives about a 5 hour drive away. Normally I would have put it in my purse but nooo stuck it in the glove. So stupid me forgot to take it out. I am just sick and can't sleep. So now today I am going to file a police report. Thinking about contacting pawn shops. and thinking about telling my dad. So scared of telling him it's gone. It was the best of the 3 rings because the team was first to have back to back wins. How irresponsible of me to leave it in the car for so long and to leave it unlocked. I just have been careless.
Does anyone have any advice? Been through this? I can't get it out of my head and have never been so helpless. It was my fault. Stupid punks, tho. Our neighborhood overall is safe and gated. But I am thinking it's someone, maybe kids, who live in our neighborhood. They could have taken the gate remote and didn't.

Yeah! Down 3 pounds

2009-09-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

So this week has been so good. Since Sunday, I am down 3 pounds. I am feeling not as puffy as before. I changed my things this week:
I haven't had any wine since last Saturday. I had my fill last Sunday. I am not too tight which is what I feared. But I like that in the morning I feel my band working when I drink my coffee. Just a little tightness. Then my lunches have been considerably smaller in portion size and I feel satisfied. I worked out twice this week and am going this morning to the gym. I have increased my water intake because I need something cold after I come home. My sleep has been so sound and I feel refreshed in the morning when I wake up. So overall, good changes. Oh yeah, when I didn't workout after work I was more productive. One day I washed my car and the other two days hubby and I took the kids for walks to the park to play. So relaxing. I also cooked every night and had left overs for lunch.
All is good. But, last night when Tim got home I guess I p...d him off because without saying hi, "I said we have to clean." I was having a moment where, I had to make dinner, Kaity was hungry fussy, and the kitchen a mess. My mom is coming over today and I want the house picked up. So he stopped talking to me for a while, well really almost all night. I was overwhelmed with stuff. I didn't realize I didn't say hi to him when he came in cause we had already talked when he was driving home and texted once. But as result our house is super clean and ready for the weekend. I called him this morning at work to ask if he was talking to me. He said depends if when he gets home from the long commute in 90 degree heat without using his a/c, (he wants to save gas by not using a/c. crazy man...I don't do that) and I tell him we have to clean. Okay, I won't do that cause it's done. Uhhh the pool needs cleaning tho. Ha.. Just Kidding...My oops. Honestly I didn't mean right then and there clean..... relax..... then clean. But it got done...
Well, off to play with the kiddos and get them ready for the gym. Fun...Fun....Fun.... Saturday:)))
So tired of the heat here. Wish it would rain....Ready for fall clothes and winter to come:))) As winter as sunny CA gets:))))

New Beginnings!

2009-09-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

More of Tim's 40th. I just got the photographers photos from the party. They are out of order as I uploaded them . Sorry. The kids photos were taken before we arrived and the blindfold was the start of the Surprise party. These are for Cathy since I can't upload on FB at this time:) Enjoy.

Tim's Grand Entrance! After the blindfold he saw everyone above over the balcony.

The grand Entrance:)

I parked at the neighbors house and we had to walk down to our house.

I got back the pictures from the photographer at Tim's 40th here are just some of them. The cake I had custom made for Tim. Then some of my favorite ones of the kids.

Another new beginning. Got my fill today. My last fill was May 24 and I was surprised to hear I was filled at an 8 in a 10cc band. But my last fill was a .9 so he said it would take very little to tighten for me. My dr. is very funny. He asks why am I here. I say to get a fill. He says why do I think I need one? Because I eat too much and I have no restriction. (hence my last blog). So he mumbles to himself and calls out in the hallway that he needs some help. Then he asked if I weighed in today? nope. So I went out in the hall and weighed myself. He waited until I adjusted the scale... 156. Okay come back in. He said I was a very tiny lady and that I was doing good with the band. Not much else. This surgery center that he does his business on Sundays is owned by someone else. So I think its kinda hokey. Old. and the people the dr. works with I am guessing, he is not their boss and works for the owner. So it creates a wierd dynamic of relationships between dr., helper?, and patient. It doesn't feel like a real drs. office to me. I just am there for my fill and get out. Don't get me wrong, my dr. is an excellent beverly hills dr, but has taken this sunday job, maybe friends with the owner? I love the fact that the fills are so easy. He always finds them on the first poke and then I sit up. Drink water until it goes down no more. Today, I have been skeptical if I had enough fill. Only cause it was so fast. But he looked at my past fills and it warned him not too much for me. So I left and bought some soup. I love tomato basil soup so that has been my lunch and will be my dinner. When I was leaving he said I will see you in six months!!! Wow! That is a long time! I am worried because my plan says I can have 6 free fills within the first year. So I said that to him and he said don't worrry I will be fine. He probably knows hes not making any money off me? Hmmm.... will I be close to goal within 6 months? Not the point right?
This is my tool. He needs to fill as I need it right? Anyways, I will go with it. It has been 3 1/2 months since my last fill. I just want to get down to 125. That's my goal. I want to be at the weight I got married at. Fit in my wedding dress and be light. I just need the band to work for me. I know I suck at dieting, done that.

As for the rest of my day, I came home and we watched some football. Love Dallas. Always have. Then Matthew wanted to go swimming. Took him into the pool until nap time. Then Kaitlyn woke up. We played and now she is napping. Hubby is napping with matthew. He works so much overtime it's good for him to catch up on his sleep. I am here and thinking about laundry and dinners for the week. I am excited about not eating.

Now, that's another issue I have. I don't eat as much but I plan all the dinners for the kids and Daddy. I don't want to be resentful but I run out of ideas for the dinners. It's same ole. Kaitlyn is still on soft foods cause she has only 6 teeth. Matt eats what we eat. I always have to planning and making the dinner. Why is that?

Well, happy sunday. Have a great week!!!! I love reading blogs and am so interested in everyones band experiences. I look forward to dropping more weight with my new fill. We shall see.

Cathy, my BFF in VA, if you are reading this please say hi in the comment section. I wouldn't have gotten the blog if it weren't for you! Again you changed my life. Remember Chaim? That changed the direction of my life too! I can't wait for you to start your blog. It's so funny when I talk to you and you probably know everything that is happening cause you read my blog. Facebook friends know so much about me too and I forget when I see them at work, and they will mention stuff, and I'm thinking, "how'd you know that?" I used to be such a private person. All I know now is that I am loving life and it feels like a weight has been lifted from my back. Literally and figuratively a weight. I hold myself a little taller (yeah, I'm still short) but I feel taller in my body. I don't feel as ashamed or worthless. Some days, I don't know why the worthless feeling comes on...but it doesn't last as long as it used to and I don't feel as alone as I used to.

I had better go. This is my chance to nap cause everyone is napping. But here I am blogging.

Have a great week everyone!!!!

I've been a bad bad girl...

2009-09-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

Yep, true confessions start now. Tomorrow I start clean with getting a needed fill.... During the week this is what I ate:
Last Sunday, watching preseason football: mozz sticks, buffulo tenders, and tator tots
chicken alfredo with fettucini (dinner and two lunches with leftovers)
many pieces of chocolates from the candy jar in my classroom (I usually buy starbursts and jolly ranchers, a parent donated chocolate this time:)
Hamburger for dinner last night. It all went down fine. usually gets stuck
sour cream and onion potatoe chips
2 corndogs this week
3 pieces of digerno frozen pizza
starbucks caramel macchiato (never had one before, prob lots of calories)
vanilla filled cookies
animal cookies
wine
taquitoes, chips, and salsa
Wow! what a bunch of crap! I definately need a fill!!!
Oh, I did eat some fruit a parent brought in for me. Soo thoughtful.

I did work out Monday and Wednesday, and I am going this morning to the gym. But it was way hot in the afternoon, close to 100. And my workout sucks. Mentioned it to my trainer and she said diet is 70% of being able to have good workouts. Yep my fuel has been carbs, sugars, and fats. Lacking in good nutritients and protein.

I did gain 2 pounds and I am at 155 this morning. So I have lost 38 pounds since December. Hmmm.... but I have went from tight size 16's to size 10' s and I bought a pair of size 8 Old Navy Sweatheart jeans a couple weeks ago. That's the only pair of size 8's I own at this time. Waiting until I cant wear 10's anymore then buy 8's . Last week I pulled out some 12's I bought in March and way too baggy and yuck. Amazing that I felt so thin in those clothes.

It's September and by December my year bandiversary, I want to be close to goal. I really don't know what I am capable of and how much I can lose? My dr. thinks 5 pounds a month is reasonable. That's been about my avg. per month, but have had a huge stall and should have lost more by now. I have been this weight all summer and need to get serious. Time to really work at it. Loved it when I was just tight enough I knew I couldn't eat the crap above cause it would get stuck or I could have a little and no more cause I was full. Tomorrow, I can't wait....10:00 a.m. and I am on my way... I need to read more on lapband talk to get ideas on what others are eating.

I am nervous about my fill tomorrow. Will I be too tight? I haven't had an unfill yet and I think everyone I read about or know with the band has had an unfill. I need it so bad that I am afraid I might not know it's too tight until it's too late and I am home. I will just need to go back next Sunday then.

Well, off to the gym with my two little ones. Matt keeps asking it it time to go yet? He loves going to the gym to play. It's a small private gym and the babysitter just loves the kids. College student and holds Kaitlyn and coddles over her. Cute. Anyways, afterwards I will be cleaning house and maybe going in the pool with Matt when K is napping. It's hard to watch them both in the pool by myself. Tim is working today gettting the overtime pay:)))))

The WaterPark

2009-09-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Today we are going to my hubby's company family day at a water park! OMG I would not have ever done this last year or any other year really. We are taking our 3 year old and just going for a few hours. Depends on how crazy crowded it is on this holiday weekend. So we shall see. Then later in the afternoon we are going to my hubby's aunts birthday with his family. She will be 90 years old. We are in for a busy hot day. Tomorrow I hope to rest and swim in our pool all day.

Last night was our first neighborhood bunco night. Last month we met and learned the rules and all. I ended up being the biggest LOSER! Hey, i won 20 bucks. It was fun with ladies that I really don't know and some wine of course. Good food too. I definately need a fill. I am eating what ever really, except bread that is.

Well, I better go get ready for the water park and pack all of our stuff. Have a great Labor Day Weekend!!!

My Mental Health Day

2009-09-01T10:25:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I decided I would take a day off from work and have a me day. I am lucky to have a wonderful substitute who was a long term sub last year and knows me and first grade. So the only day she had free was today. So got up took kids to the sitters came home and read some, napped some, ate some. Now I am off to get my hair trimmed. Trying to grow it out so it's only a trim. I love that it's long enough to put up when I work out. Then I am stopping for some of my favorite Indian food. Spice, spice, and more spice. The rest of the day I will have to see what I feel like. I would love to shop but don't want to waste money that I really don't have.
I made an appt. to get a fill, Sept. 13. He only does fills on Sundays and I really wanted one this weekend but since it's a holiday he took the day off. I definately have limited restriction. I can eat about anything right now. The saving grace is that my workouts haven't changed. Love my workout and feel so good doing it and when I am finished.
My principal really has been instrumental in helping our staff become fit. She is a fit person herself at age of 56 or so. Petite and beautiful person. She writes us notes every few months. Mine yesterday was: "First of all, I want to say how proud I am of your workout ethic. I have seen a tremendous change in your confidence. You have always had a smile on your face and been happy but I can tell now that you are really happy." Wow, that feels really good to read what someone can see in yourself. So true too. I am confident. I don't feel as embarassed of my size, rolls, and wierd but I don't feel as short. I am 5'1" and when I was heavier I felt really short and low to the ground. Now I am standing taller. My shoulders and core feel strong so I sit up straighter. I am happy.
I am so happy for all my blogger lapband friends and the weight they have lost!!!! Way to go!!!!! I need more restriction so I can focus more on losing again.
I had better go to my hair appt. Hopefully the smoke won't be so bad outside cause of those fires. So far they are miles away but we our house backs up to a national forest and the potential is there. Happy Tuesday::::)))))

Had a pretty good day...

2009-08-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

My thinking was clearer today after posting and having support from my lapband friends online. Started the day out right with a run on the tread mill. At least it was something to get my mind going and plotting how I am going to reach my goals. Didn't have food for lunch, so went to a little sandwich shop. Got a chicken on wheat but really it wouldn't go down. I think I was too busy talking and was way hungry. I had to stop and basically finished half of it later in the afternoon after school let out. Then on to our bootcamp in the cafeteria. Geez, it was a hot day at 97 and more humidity than usual. (Not humid like back east though). I pushed though a workout barely. It was so hard for me today. I think I am dehydrated. So this evening I made a meal from Eating for Life cookbook. Its a taco pasta. I really can't eat pasta so I will have the ground beef on a tortilla if that will go down. At least I cooked a relatively healthy meal. Ice tea for my drink. Okay, do I sound more normal and not like I am ready to drive my car off a cliff? Boy, I go through that once in a while. I am not even premenstral.
I am still getting lots of nice comments about my weight from collegues. One friend said she doesn't recognize me from behind. ha... not at round back there I guess. Another friend lost lots of weight a few years ago and I was sooo jealous and envious of her. She looks absolutely awesome. She said that I look fantastic and I said I am working on it and I don't want to be jealous of her anymore cause she looks so good. She laughed and just said don't stop cause she is now working on it again.
The best thing is being confident in my own skin. I walk straighter. I wear tank tops. I pull my hair off my face when I work out. Which I never used to do cause I hate my showing my forehead. I am wearing my hair more natural, that is curly. Ha...a parent asked if I got a perm? Do people get those anymore? I pull on my work clothes and walk out of the room without changing 4-5 times cause everything made me look fat....duh....I was.... Ummm, I am just enjoying feeling good about my body. Now I have to fix my brain/thinking.
I had better go. Storytime with my 3 year old.

On my way upppp!

2009-08-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

Thank you for listening to my last depressing post. I really don't know what got into me. Today is a new day. My goals today: finish this cup of coffee then run for 20 minutes on the treadmill. I really need the endorphins. I wish I could take a pill and be fixed. Hmmm...doesn't really work for me. I am happy to have no side effects from going off zoloft. I have tried before and had headspins. Today Tim and I are going to focus on running and preparing healthy foods. And not drinking wine (beer for him). With us it starts as fun, excitement, celebration then just goes and goes. Mine was being on summer vacation and being happy for once with my body and self. I had an awesome summer spending time with friends and working out. Now my vacation is over, mourning that too. Miss being with my kids. I hear Dr. Phil's voice saying, "What you can't acknowledge you can't change." So here's to working out and cutting back on drinking. Thanks cyber friends for reading and listening. I will post my progress.
Question? How do I know I need a fill? when the food is going down i can eat quite a lot. but like yesterday can't eat a hotdog and chips cause of the bread. Usually chips go down but I think my band knows when I am eating for the wrong reasons. Ha. Basically, I am afraid of an overfill. I know my dr. uses the term things should go down like it's an alley way not a freeway. I have lost that alley way feeling so I am thinking I need to get a fill and follow band rules more closely.
GOALS: Call for a fill
Run (now) and bootcamp at 3:15 today
Plan and prep meals from eating for life cookbook
Positive thinking
No alcohol today

Well, I have 25 minutes before I jump in the shower. Off to the treadmill!
Thank you, Amy and Tiffani:))))

Hitting bottom

2009-08-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today Tim let me sleep in and got up with K at 6 this morning. I just crawled out of bed at 7:30. Not feeling any better. Today I am weepy, critical, looking at all the negative, ugggg just blahhhh.. K is napping and Tim took Matt to Home Depot. Just catching up on blogs and admiring everyone's hard work. I am not taking Zoloft now for about a month. I was fine until Monday. I really didn't know that adrenaline could keep you going for so long. The beginning of the school year and the surprise party were just a big high for me. I am trying to sort out feelings and look forward to the future. I need to be in the present and take it one hour at a time. My adorable innocent 3 year old is sooo happy. I feel so the opposite and am afraid to let myself be. Cause I am falling apart. Tim sees it. He was like what do you want me to do. I told him to just not get mad at me. This post is just so wierd huh? The biggest contributor to my mood is drinking. I know I have an addictive personality. Since, food isn't a choice anymore to help me feel or rather numb my feelings, I have been drinking wine. So today is it for a while to see how I feel without having it. Once Tim left for home depot, i thought i would have some chips and a hot dog. Typically pre band food. Well, after 3 chips, that stuck feeling, then bite of hot dog, it all is stuck. PBing since. Won't move. So can't eat.
My close friend who has gone through post pardum and is very observant called me on Wednesday. She asked are you okay? This was before I even started to acknowledge something was up with my mood. Mind you, this phone call was on her birthday, she was calling me. I said I was ok and what made her suspect something? She said I was quiet at work today and just not my normal self. Sooo caught me off guard for someone to be in tune to that enough to recognize before I do. Ohhh nooo... I used the be master of hiding..... I don't need to hide cause that just hurts so much. I am reallllllyyyyyy blabbbbbbering and this should be about lapband. But this is how I ended up fat.....my eating got out of control..... my eating was to numb my feelings......as does alcohol..........hmmmmm....... I need a new addiction......will it be running???? it should be........for the sake of my children, life and happiness.

Back to Reality

2009-08-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a few of the family pics we had taken at Laguna Beach, CA two weeks ago. Love doing photo shoots instead of going to places like J.C. Penny. My kids never sit and just smile at the camera. Ha!

I can't believe the high I was on during all the party planning and throughout the surprise party. Now once everything is over I feel exhausted and just like I don't have a focus. I wonder if this is how manic depressive types feel. I feel depressed and aggitated. Not feeling like a good parent, and just want to go to bed. Tired. I need to focus on my weight loss and getting that moving. Like I said in my previous post I am nervous about getting a fill. I think I need to go back to Lapband Talk and look at what everyone is eating. I lost my focus and am ready to get going again.

Two weeks ago my hubby announced he wants to run the L.A. Marathon in March. Hmmm, he hasn't worked out in 2 years and hasn't run in about 10. He had an overactive thyroid and had always been really thin. Thin enough that buddies would comment on his thinness. Well, now that his thyroid had been half killed off and he carelessly went off his thyroid medicine he gained 25 pounds in two months. He now is uncomfortable and wants to get in shape and turning 40 sure did change him. I think he looks good but it all has to do with how you feel. Right now I am the thinnest I've been in 10 years but still have 30 pounds to go. I feel smaller than before but still feel fat.

So I am going to train with him for the marathon. I will give it a shot what's the worst that can happen, I walk it? Crawl maybe? I will be like Kramer in that seinfeld episode, dragging himself across the finish. So here we go we have 211 days to go! That can be my new focus. Right now I need a rest.

The Party was a Success!!!

2009-08-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

So here are some pictures of Tim and I before the party. Unbeknownst to to Tim that is. He thought we were heading to Los Angeles to the Magic Castle, an exclusive magician show. This was the most stressful thing and I had the most fun planning Tim's 40th Surprise Party! I could not have done this alone, my mom and my neighbor/friend helped so much and without them this could not have happened. So the day of the party, I was fielding phone calls in the closet, trying to fill my mom in on where I hid all the party stuff around the house, clean (a little). I didn't want to give anything away so I took my friends advice and left things out so he wouldn't suspect anything. Later Tim told me he was leaving stuff on the bathroom floor to see if I cleaned around him. Ha...the only thing he did see was food in the bottom crisper and I just told him it was the next day's family get together. God, forgive me for all the lying I have done.

So, off Tim and I went to have an early dinner. I took him out to Ra a trendy Sushi house. Ohhh, what great place to drag out dinner over a couple hours. Meanwhile, my mom, brother n law's family, and neighbor set up our house for the party. I mean moving furniture to make way for casino tables, margarita machine, dj, food, and putting finishing touches that I didn't even talk about with them. It was absolutely beautiful!

The hardest part was getting Tim back to our house to surprise him. Once we were in the car and driving toward L.A. I pulled off the freeway. Freeked him out and even more so when I asked him to wear a blind fold. I felt soooo bad, but it was all in fun. He was really quiet and nervous for 20 minutes to our house. Not to mention him almost getting sick from the motion of the car. I was also advised as I approached our neighborhood to make random turns to confuse him. So we arrive and I park in my neighbors driveway. Turn off the engine and it was all I could do to not rip the blindfold off of him. I was sooo emotional and started to cry. He gets out of the car and we walk down to our driveway. All the while the photographer is snapping pictures of this. Then as we approach our door we are greeted by a friends wife say"Welcome to the Magic Castle where all your dreams will come true." Before you can enter you need to say "Open Sesame" (that's what they say at the Magic Castle) She had him say it 3 times loudly as we walked in. And I took the blindfold off and there were all our family and friends shouting surprise. They were on the balcony and staircase so he could look up and see all the faces. It also became a reception line too when they came down. I was crying and Tim even welled up too. So then from there there were beers, margaritas, and wine flowing. Lots of laughter, games, and food. The music was great too. I was glad I burned his itunes on discs. The night flew by and before you know it the night had ended. What a blast!!!!! Tim is now having to top that for my 40th in July. Ha... no way am I expecting to have anything because I am fine with that. I would love to go on a cruise or travel to Italy.
My photographer took over 400 photos and is working on editing and getting them back to me. She is awesome! I get the disc and get to develop the photos that I want.

As far as my weight, I am at a plateau and kinda unsure if I should go in for a fill. Sometimes I am tight and sometimes I can eat a lot. I have had a lot of stress with the party and starting my new school year with 24 first graders. So I will wait till things calm down. I am still working out 3-4 times a week. I will post more later. Have a great weekend everyone!!!!

It's Friday!!!!

2009-08-07T05:06:00.001-07:00

Not doing so well on the eating. Need to do better. I need to schedule a fill for after the surprise party. I can eat way too much. I am not making the best choices either. I have to get with it!!! My weight is staying the same. My workout was cancelled on Wed. and with prepping my room and mandatory workdays yesterday and today I haven't been able to find time to work out. Didn't try that hard tho. Monday is the first day of school. I will have 23 first graders to meet and I can't wait to jump right in. Thurs. nite is back to school nite and Sat. is the big 40th surprise party for my hubby. So my week is going to fly by. I fly off adrenaline (sp?). I usually won't sleep good, and I have been having a couple glasses wine at night. Speaking of which I am cutting way back on Aug 17. Tim texted me the other day that he wants to train for the LA Marathon in March. Ha...he hasn't workout in forever! But he is determined to start training on the 17 which means he has to cut back on beer, so I said I will join him in the training. We have ran together a 5k about 11 years ago and it was such a great time for us to train together. I don't know if I will do the marathon but I am scared of what impact it will have on my knees and feet. I just hear how bad it is for you body, although I would love for it to help with weight loss.

Yeah, it's Friday! 8 days until the party. All is paid for and confirmed for delivery. I wouldn't be able to do this without my neighbor helping me with the set of my house. I am taking Tim out of the house at 3:30 and R. and her husband are coming in moving my furniture and setting up the food and tables/chairs/decorations ect... in 2 1/2 hours. My mom will be getting my kiddos changed and hair combed and keep them out of the way. My sis-n-law is coming a bit early and is in charge of getting the appetizers ready. I still have to purchase the rest of the drinks and appetizers. Get the prize baskets ready. I just can not wait for Tim's surprise. So many times I went to talk to Tim about where I was shopping and what happened or who I spoke with when they RSVP'd. So much to tell him. What is with RSVPs? I would love to call everyone and directly ask them, "Will you be there?" Why don't people RSVP? But I am prepared either way. Too much is always better.
Well, I have to go get my shower and then get the kiddos up. It's a workday for me:))) Lots to do.... Oh yea excited about a new Bunco group starting tonight with my neighbors. Should be fun!

Vacation is almost over...

2009-08-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

I know for those of you who work all year long with two weeks vacation really probably hate hearin that I have to go back in two days after 5 full weeks of vacation. Well, here I am thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done to be ready for the first day of school Monday. It will all get done but I just have anxiety that won't go away. I think that's what you call, worry over things that really I have no control over at the moment. Thursday and Friday I can get it all done.
I have never been so excited about an upcoming event. My husbands surprise 40th birthday party is in two weeks. All is paid for , planned, mostly bought except for last minute stuff. I bought the cutest dress for Kaitlyn and a the handsomest suit for Matt last week. Then on Sat. Tim and I went to Hollywood to get him a suit at the outlet. This is nothing out of the ordinary for him to buy an outfit for an outing that one of us has planned. So he really thinks he is going to the exclusive Magic Castle in L.A. because I said he has to wear black and white. Well, I added red into our outfits too. He has no clue he is about to be surprised with a party! This is the best feeling in the whole world.
Sooo why am I eating like crap before one of our milestones of our lives. Yes, we've had our wedding, anniversaries (5 and 10, and next June will be our 15th), the birth of our children, hmmm, when you get older the milestones are fewer. So here I am thinking tomorrow I will cut back on calories, eat chicken, drink water.... Then I eat.... the good thing is I am working out. That is saving me from gaining weight. Although, with the added anxiety I am tighter I am finding. When I am nervous or have lots to accomplish and am rushing I can't eat. Yesterday, I tried about 3 times to eat lunch, left over chinese, Pad Thai from pick up sticks. Nope had to toss it up all 3 times. Tonights chicken and baked potatoe, I couldn't eat but a few bites and had to rush to the bath room. Don't know what's up. Last week I could eat and eat it seemed. I even had chicken alfredo from Olive Garden. What's up with that? I thought for sure a few bites would satisfy me, but nooooo it kept going down with every bite. It was soooo good. Couldn't eat the bread sticks and only tried one bite.
I go from being tight to not so much. It depends on what I am eating though. I know Nachos go down fine. I hate eating chicken anymore, almost always gets stuck. I need moist or crunchy food.
So I did some more shopping and bought a size 8 dress from JC Penny for my back to school night. I felt so good in it. Then the other pants I bought were size 10 and medium shirts. I am excited about that. Since I am starting back to work and seeing people I haven't seen since June, I have gotten compliments. My principal and librarian just kept saying look how tiny I am. Me? It's been soooo long to have that said about me. I have always been trying to hide behind a new hair style when it came time to go back to work. It gives people something to comment on. Lord knows they couldn't comment on what I was wearing or how I looked! So it used to be cute hair, now tiny!!!! People I have 30 pounds to go!!!
I will try and watch what I am eating and workout like I have been. Well, I have better go. Bed time:))) I so can't wait to tell Tim everything about planning his party. I am catching myself from saying who I talked to or what I accomplished in the day because it all pertains to his surprise. So hard to keep from sharing with him.
Oh, one last thing, I find myself wanting to eat but nothing is satisfying or if it does go down it doesn't fill the void. I am longing for something to fill me up but it's not food and I am finally recognizing that it will never be fooood!!! I know it's anxiety about the upcoming school year and the party but WTF do i do? Just ride it out and enjoy it. I just worrry because why do people not RSVP? Do I need to call them? My friend even says she forgets to RSVP....what is that about? I want to know who is coming.....blah.....blah......blah.....controlling....me....no....way! It will be what it will be.....Let it go....let it go....have fun....enjoy....

Saturday

2009-07-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

Feel really tired. I was up at 2 when hubby went to work and stayed up to do some school planning. I was wide awake thn started to get tired at 4 and went back to bed. Kids up at 6 and I am just dragging. Coffee... please start working. Hubby goes in really early on Saturdays so that we can have extra money and then he gets off super early so we can enjoy the day. He's tired but used to it. He'll go to bed early though. We have two 1 year old birthday parties this weekend. A friend of mine today and my niece's party tomorrow. I am excited to wear some new clothes. Lately, I haven't straightened my hair, applied makeup, and have been wearing workout wear or shorts. So fun to just beeeee. Not to spend all the extra time on hair and make up. I go back to work Aug 6 and have so much to do.
Tim's surprise party is coming up and I have stuff to buy for that. Everything is booked. Two close calls yesterday. First a friend of his called my cell phone and Tim was standing beside me. He called to RSVP and I just said "ohhh thanks for the invite but we have a birthday party tomorrow to go to." Afterwards, Tim was wondering why he called my phone and not his. Hmmm. Second close call, the table/chair rental company called to finish our booking and luckily Tim and I were giving the kids' their bath. So I deleted the message. When I talked to that table guy I said get rid of this number. I went ahead and hired a dj too. That takes care of the sound system and the 70's and 80's music I want to play. The dj will also use Tim's ipod of his favorite music too. I just hope people come. I have to let that go because I have no control and I tried to give plenty of notice. I have only received one decline and 4 rsvps. Not counting his family which I know will be there. I just want it to be fun and plenty of people.
Well, time to feed my little ones breakfast and get dressed. Have a beautiful Saturday!!!!!

Happy Friday

2009-07-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

I am happy it's Friday:))) We have two 1 year old birthday parties this weekend. So it will be fun to be with family, friends, and watching the kids have fun playing.
I am off to the gym this morning. I woke up and almost talked myself out of it. I have been doing so good and I am just tired. But the kids are playing here and I want to get them out of the house for a bit. Matthew my 3 year old has made friends with the kids in the daycare at the gym. Plus he talks about it and asks are we going. Wow! Now that's accountablility. I would be letting him down if we stayed home. I tell Matt the night before where we are going so I can't just stay home. The other thing that keeps me going is the instructor, Erin has become my friend and she knows how hard I am working to lose weight. She doesn't know I have the band. My principal will be in our class too. So accountablility to myself, my child, and friends. That's what I need. May times in the past I would say I am going to run on the treadmill or do an exercise DVD I so easily don't do it. Or I do it half assed cause no one is watching me. I find in my exercise class when I slack off or am not giving 100%, Erin will be shouting "No CHEATING", You came here to sweat don't waste your time!, "this is the last time for this exercise, give me what you got!" "What are you going to eat this weekend? Or what did you drink this weekend?" All those sayings are for everyone but I feel like they are especially for me!!!!!!
Off I go, get the kids ready, snacks packed, and shoes on.....here I go.......
Have a Happy Friday:))))

Pinkberry and a new dress!

2009-07-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

Pinkberry is DELICIOUS! I went shopping and was on a high from my purchases and thought I would have an icecream. Well, at the outdoor mall I was at I saw Hagaan Daz (sp?) on one side and on the other Pinkberry. My principal (healthy and athletic) raved about Pinkberry and went in for a frozen yogurt. Well, now that I am losing weight thought let's try a healthier choice. OMG soooo good! I did get some chocolate chips with fresh strawberries:))) Delish!

I was so excited to try on dresses at the White House/Black Market. All the dresses are just lovely. I wasn't embarrassed to be trying on dresses like in the past. I really didn't know what size so I told the sales clerk a 10 or 12. She pulled all her dresses and lined them up in the room. The dress I thought I was going to get from viewing online wasn't the material I thought. You can see the one I picked on the Model below. Size 10. I can't wait to wear it for Tim's 40th Surprise Birthday party Aug 15!

On a band note, I just can not eat in the car anymore. Before band I would stop and grab something quick and eat in the car. Well, anymore everytime I eat in the car I get stuck. I don't know if I eat too fast or not chew as well. Today I wanted a burger and stopped at In n' Out a California chain that only has burgers and fries...mmmm.... Well I don't remember the last burger I have had. But I had to pb and up it came. So it's good that I can't just eat when and where i want. I can't eat the chicken from Chic Fil A either. Always gets stuck. I think that's why I wanted a pinkberry later in the day because i hadn't eaten all day. No problem with frozen yogurt:) Well, Tim is picking up the kids and I think I want to take Tim to Jos a Banks for his birthday outfit as well. He is trying to guess what we are doing. He thinks the Magic Castle in L.A. Ha...Love him and he's so much fun to surprise. Later everyone.

Cleaning out my closet!

2009-07-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

I cleaned out my closet and I feel a lot lighter already. I have been wanting to organize my closet and get rid of my clothes. As I was going through my clothes I would pick up items and instantly have flash backs to when I wore and how uncomfortable I was in it. Some reminded me of why I bought it. Most reasons were that it was cheap and it camoflaged my body. I tried some shirts on and I was so surprised how loose the shirts/blouses were in the arms, waist, and shoulders. I got so comfortable wearing large or x-large that I can't believe I can't fit in them anymore. Happily by the way. I remember some shirts I would tug those areas so they wouldn't cling to my body. I really don't have any clothes from years ago that I would want to wear. Too outdated or just old looking. I was really happy to get rid of my pants. I tried on some jeans that I was wearing this time last year and they nearly fell off. OMG I can't believe how big I was.
In all, I bagged 3 large black trash bags of clothing. I am donating them to Salvation Army this week. I also am donating all my maternity clothes, too. The most exciting part of this process is that I won't be that size ever again. I think that's why it was easier to get rid of those clothes. I won't be getting pregnant and I won't gain my weight back because I have the lapband. I'm only going down from here:)))))) So happy!
Wednesday, I am having the bootcamp friends and their kids over for swimming and lunch. Looking forward to hanging out. Another thing I have wanted to do for a long time is have a playdates swimming. Always came back to how uncomfortable I am in a suit. I am better now but still self conscience. Took my kids to bootcamp today, my mom usually watches them. They were so good. Matt played with the boys and Kaitlyn sat quietly in her stroller watching us work out. There were 3 other babies lined up as well. So damn cute. I looove working out. Tomorrow I am going to take the kids to the sitter and going to workout at the gym. The cutest thing today was Matthew was pretending to row on the floor. When I asked what he was doing he said he was at the gym. On Saturday he saw a guy on the rowing machine. Love my gym because when I take Matthew the guys always talks to him and say hi. He is just mesmerized by the big machines and what they are doing with them. So cute.
Tomorrow after working out I am going for a pedicure, grocery shop, pick up our San Diego pictures, clean, clean, and clean. I can't believe how quickly our house gets messy. Thursday will be my shopping day. I want to go try on that black dress from White House & Black Market, get the kids' new outfits for our family photoshoot at the beach coming up, and the party. I will need some new work clothes to replace what I just bagged up. The problem is I don't want to spend a lot of money when I plan on losing more weight and dropping a couple more sizes. So I will use my gift card from NY & Co. I also have a coupon so it shouldn't be that much. I have saved my other gift cards for Macy's and Ann Taylor for when I reach goal. I better be off to bed. Want to get up early to do some cleaning before the kids get up.
I love where I am at in life and looking forward to have a great new school year in a couple weeks. I am staying in the moment and not going to get all stressed out that I have a lot of prep work to do next week. Deep breath....

Just to clarify

2009-07-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

The previous post had pictures and I have to figure out how to move them around so the text lines up. The first 3 were taken July 09 and the last two were taken July 08. The one in the purple shirt was just before July 4th and the beige one was taken at a 4th BBQ. I will work on making my posts more clear. Then I added a link to a black dress I want to go try on and the whole page went blank so I posted it before I lost everything. Anyways, here's to dedication to my weight loss journey which is at a stand still. Scared to get fill because sometimes I am tight and sometimes I am not. I think I will wait a while and really watch my diet. I am still exercising so that's a good thing. I had better go, hubby is on his way home and don't want him looking over my shoulder. Not that he does that but I don't want it to look suspicious when I get of the laptop when he walks in. Have a great night all.

What a difference a year makes

2009-07-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July 09

I keep thinking about where I was at mentally and physically last year at this time. Boy, I am in such a different place and I am so much happier now. The first three pictures are from July 09 and the only two pictures I could find from July 08 were these taken on train at an animal park with my son who was 2 at the time. I couldn't find any pictures other than me in the hospital after giving birth. I avoided the camera last year, I declined invites to special events that I had to dress up for, I avoided anything that I had to look decent. I was soooo withdrawn and hating myself. Now this summer I am in the pool more than ever, yesterday I was invited to go to a hot springs for swimming and relaxation with some girl friends. Inside I was a little hesitant but I knew I really wanted to go and I was happy I did. I am always scared of looking awful and being embarrassed. So at the springs there were many pools for wading on rafts and lounging, mud baths, saunas, drinks, lunch, and fun for a girls day out. When I looked around I saw many shapes and sizes and I really didn't care about what they looked like. I just felt good about myself. Now I made a point not to take pictures, which lately I am radically photagraphing all my outings. Looking back to last year before the surgery I find very very few pics of me with my newborn. That makes me sad. Now my I am documenting my weight loss and our lives as the kids grow. It's getting quite easy to say to my husband or mom to take some pictures of me. I don't know why but I always thought it was up to them to take the camera from me and take my pic. Nope, nobody really thinks about it.

Another thing, I am now wearing sleaveless tops....never, never would I feel comfortable wearing sleaveless!

The pic with K in the hat is at Sea World, San Diego last week.

Matthew is saying, "Choo, choo!" We were riding a train:)

Another thing I am looking forward is Tim's Surprise 40th I am planning for Aug. 15th. I can't wait!!!! I have about everything order/planned/scheduled. It will be a black and white attire, Casino night at our house. There are companies that bring real casino tables like Blackjack, Roulette, and Craps to your home along with dealers and host the party. Fun!!!! I am having the food catered by a delish Mexican restaurant, a Margarita Man Machine, a photographer, I am designing a cake to have made, and have invited his best buddies new and old friends. I hope it's a good turn out. I know any turn out will be fun. Whew...the scary part is the little bit of story telling I am doing to keep the surprise. It's so much fun and he is so easy to keep in the dark. My neighbor is helping me set up while I take him out for drinks and dueling pianos at a local restaurant. Then I am going to blindfold him to our second destination-our house!!!!

I can't wait to find a sexy black dress to wear.
http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/product.jsp;jsessionid=B4375EAB364497684216F6B7988176DD.wp12?maxRec=45&pageId=1&productId=300113516&viewAll=&prd=The+Juliette&subCatId=&color=&fromSearch=&inSeam=&posId=15&catId=cat210002&cat=Dresses++Skirts&colorFamily=&maxPg=3&size=

I'm baaack!

2009-07-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger. I need to blog and stay accountable to myself and my food choices I am making. Here I am ... almost a week out of school and on vacation for 5 more weeks. I have been celebrating by eating around my band and not making good choices. I still have restriction but not with certain foods liiiike... chips, nachos, cookies, icecream... uggg. I'm done with that crap. The party is over and I need to get serious again. Another thing is I was down 37 pounds last week and now I have gained 2 pounds. It's probably salt from all the crap.
Even though I have been eating mostly crap... I have been working out again 5 days a week. So I think after taking a mini break when I got my legs done I am retaining the water like before. I dropped weight on my little break. I am loving working out again and using that time to get stronger. I feel so good when it's done. Hard work.
I went shopping Tuesday and I love New York and Co. I way overdid my shopping but it was a great sale and I had a coupon. For the first time in about 5 years I bought size 10 jeans. Another thing I am doing is wearing sleaveless shirts now. I bought a cute cute sleaveless shirt to wear with size 10 jeans on 4th of July. I will post a picture on Saturday:) I have also been in the pool daily working on my tan. I am writing about all this because if you could have seen me last year, all covered up and faaatttt, and depressed. This is a total turn around and I am feeling so much better.
The work on my varicose veins in my legs have turned out great. I have some bruising that is fading but overall I am really happy that I got them done. I am not embarrassed to show my legs, at least around my hubby. I am not comfortable in shorts yet cause I have to lose weight in my theighs and I will be happy.
I am off to play with my 3 year old and his cars. My one year old is finishing her breakfast and we have lots of playing to do. I am loving summer! Happy blogging and thank you for reading. I promise I will blog more. Wow once in June is pretty poor. Bye all......

Way Too Busy...

2009-06-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Whew...life has to slow down now. The last 2 weeks have been extremely hectic. I need a vacation. When I last blogged I had just got my fill. I am doing really well and I feel that it is really working now. I lost ten pounds since the fill. I feel great and so light. I forgot what this feels like. NSV has been compliments from so many people, a couple people at work not recognizing me from afar (I did dye my hair a little darker), I shopped quickly for a party and was happy that I what I picked out fit, (wish I had gotten a size smaller actually), I am wearing old navy jeans from 5 years ago, most of my smaller clothes are just fitting and not too tight. Some are baggy. So hopefully by summers end I will need new clothes because I don't have any thing else to wear from years past. I have to go through my clothes that don't fit. Taking up so much room:))) Eating has been a challenge. I had been so busy last week and stressed that it makes it hard to eat. If I am stressed my band is real tight. It's really wierd that I will be looser at dinner when I am really relaxed (after a glass of wine usually). One night I had a pick up stix, house chix salad, it was delicious and I was so satisfied. So since it went down so well I ordered another after my Open House at school. Well, I could not eat it without that stuck feeling. I had to stop. But since I was so hungry and excited about a having a successful open house, I had icecream and that went down fine. It was about the only thing I had to eat that day, so I didn't feel guilty.
Two weeks ago I had a laser treatment from varicose veins on my left leg, then a week later I had the right leg done. The left leg was easy and didn't really hurt. I don't want to be that graphic but for those interested this is how it's done. The dr. does an ultrasound and finds the bad vein. Mine wasn't working and was creating bulging knots in my lower leg. So the ultrasound guides the dr. as he makes injections of pain med. This is the worst part about 5-6 jabs up the the leg. Once it's numbed he puts a skinny laser tube up the leg and we all put on glasses and turn out lights. Laser for about 8 minutes. Not painful. then all done. So the first time the nurse fitted me with a compression hose only for the leg I had done. It was so tight and painful and was rolling at the top cause of my fatty theighs and it never reached the top of my leg. So after having it on for four days, I cut it at the top. It was creating deep red marks. So when I returned to the dr. and he did altrasound to see if the vein closed, it didn't close at the top where the stocking didn't reach. Ding bat nurse. So I had to have the procedure again only on my upper theigh. Ouch. I also had my right leg done and I was a big baby. It was sooo sensitive this time to the jabs of pain med. The dr. kept apologizing but I just said I am paying you to do this so don't be sorry. This time I made sure the stocking were the right size and they were much more comfortable. My legs are bruised but I can tell that the treatments worked and my legs look much much better. I only worked out one day in the last two weeks. It was too hard with the stocking and the day after my right leg it was too sore. I took the stockings off yesterday and I plan on working out tomorrow. I have a check up appt on Wed. to see how things went. I am going to have some of my spider veins injected and I should be done with my legs. I am happy I had it done. The pain was worth it. I hope to wear shorts and skirts again. I stopped showing my legs years ago because of the varicose veins.
Last Thursday was my first graders open house. It was so much fun to see the kids share with their parents all their work and growth. We do so much to get ready for open house and preparation that it's stressful. I love doing extra stuff for the kids. Like a portfolio of work they have done from the first day to the end of the year. (Which is in 2 weeks) I do a slide show of photos I've taken of the kids and activities we did. Anyways each day I had a to do list a mile long.
All the while, wearing those compression hose, busy at work with open house stuff, trying to manage eating with my new fill, to top it all off I was planning my 3 year old and 1 year old birthday party!!! Since they are 2 years and 3 days apart we had their party together. Whew!!! That was yesterday and it was so much fun to have family and friends over to share these milestones! We had it catered by the Taco Man who cooks 3 kinds of meats for soft tacos. MMM...it was so easy. The hard part was setting up when the table rental company/jumper too arrived 45 minutes before the start of the party. All worked out. Loved it. Matthew was in the pool all day long with his cousins and friends. Fun to see him having so much fun. The weather was overcast and on the chilly side. We heated the pool so only the kids went in.
My hectic life won't be calm for another 2 weeks when I start our summer vacation. Hubby flew out early this morning to Atlanta for a week long seminar for work. So it's only me with the kids this week. My mom comes over Wednesday to watch them while I go to my dr. appt.
I want sleep and to relax without a list of stuff I have to get done running through my head.
I love my band and how it's working. I think it's in the sweet spot. Down 36 pounds total in 6 months. Just like my lap dr. said I would avg 6 pounds a month. I actually stalled a few times until I got just the right amount of fill. I have typed so long. This took me a couple hours with interruptions. I better close now. I love reading everyones blogs and hopefully I will blog more this week with my hubby out of town. I don't think he knows I have a blog. Have a great week everyone!!!!!

Down 31 Pounds!

2009-05-30T06:15:00.000-07:00

below: December, 2008 (Day of Surgery)

May 2009

My baby, Kaitlyn, will be one June 6th! OMG!

Well, I think I am at the sweet spot. I went in for a fill last Sunday and I am tight again. I really can only eat a few bites then I get that feeling that the next bite I take it will get stuck. At first, on Monday and Tuesday I was eating too fast and thinking I needed to eat more than I did. So everything was getting stuck. Off the the bathroom to make it come up. I am at a restriction level that I have to follow all the rules. Before with little or minimal restriction I could eat a lot and anything like pasta and rice. Well, now instant stuck feeling. It makes it so easy not to eat. I am not hungry either after I am done. Then later I will have another bite or two. Done. So wierd that now it's finally working. I have been at a plateau for weeks. Now this week I am down 5 pounds. I am really excited. On Sunday I talked to my dr. about a tummy tuck. He said after I lose about 25 more pound and we can take another look and see what needs to be done and when. To reach my goal I have 45 more pounds. Remember I am a shorty at 5'1". I posted my latest progress pic taken 2 weeks ago so I have been banded 5 months I wore my hair curly that day.

On Thursday I go get my varicose veins lasered away. I can't wait. The dr. does one leg at time and with a week in between. After each leg is done I have to wear support hose for a week after. Lovely, but worth it. These are the grossest legs ever. I can't wait. I might feel confident enough to wear shorts or skirts again. Another goal I have is to wear sleaveless shirts. I hate showing my arms.

Today I will be organizing our house to get ready for our kids' birthday party in 2 weeks. Since they are 3 days and 2 years apart in age we are having a combo party. Yes, Wall-E meets the princess:))))) So I have to get things in order. Everything is scheduled and ordered minus the cake. We are having it catered by a "Taco Man". They come and grill 3 kinds of meat and bring all the stuff for tacos. MMM... (if it weren't a kids party I would have the "Margarita Man" bring his machine:) I am excited to celebrate our kids and with family and friends. Having it a week later than planned turned out to be a good thing.

Thank GOD for my mom. She is a blessing. When ever we need another pair of hands she is here to help. It seems on the weekend Tim and I are trying to do our house stuff, cleaning, fixing and stuff but one of us needs to watch the kids. Usually me. I love playing with my kiddo don't get me wrong but stuff needs to be done that only I do or I do faster than Tim.

Have a great day everyone!!!!!

Hug Your Children

2009-05-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

Feeling better after venting on the last post. I am over it. Moving the date and going on with life. I love my inlaws and was the family I always dreamed of having. Love mine too but we are sooo different. They are soo close and supportive of each others endeavors. I guess conflicts will be happening a lot now that we are in the game of having our own kids. It took us 10 years and 3 rounds of IVF to have Matthew. So we weren't ever trying to schedule anything.

Happy Tues. I went to workout class yesterday and walked on the treadmill for 2 miles this morning. I didn't feel like running so I walked at a pretty steep incline. I feel strong and great after my workouts. I also sleep so good. Only waking to stick the binky back in K's mouth, habit that I should break. Anyways, I am rambling. I can't watch T.V. cause we are tivoing Idol and Loser. Hubby is sleeping so we will watch them together later this week.

I am excited that I am seeing a vein specialist on Thurs. Finally getting these darn things taken care of. Probably scheduling a laser treatment. Yeah! One step closer to feeling normal again. Actually I have never felt that way. Probley no such thing as normal anyway.

This past week there has been several kids under 6 years old killed by their own parent/boyfriend. One little girl who went to Kinder at a school I taught at several years ago. It has consumed my thoughts while I am teaching my own first graders. Today when we were lined up to go home I gave them all a hug and told them how hard they worked and how proud I am of them. (I hesitate to say I love you) I just couldn't imagine not ever seeing their faces again. One little girl asked me if I was going to be working tomorrow so she was like what was that for? Cute. I promise not to take their sweetness and smiles they give me for granted. It is a gift to have children in my life daily. My own and my students. The innocence and how they show love is without barriers or reservations. They write letters to me and their friends, give gifts of appreciation, even if it is bringing bugs to school or apple seeds from an apple they ate. They are thinking of what we are learning when they are out of the classroom. I promise not to get caught up in the "objective of the lesson" and the end product but to enjoy the process and enthusiasm they bring. I learn so much from those little guys. Well, I had better head off to bed. Reading a new Lisa Jackson book "Malice". Good so far.
Have a great Wed!!!!!

Birthday Woes

2009-05-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, I really never gripe and complain and bit@@ about other issues than the ones I can control. Well, I am at a loss and it really threw me for a loop. Yesterday, hubby said that if we want the other half (his half) of the family at our children's b-day party then I have to call sis n law and see what's going on with June 6th. So it happens to be K's first birthday and our niece's last piano recital (at 17 yrs old) on the same day. Our party we are having will include celebrating M's 3rd birthday which is the 3rd of June. Anyways, I just was thrown for a loop because I was expected to change our day for their "side" of the family. I guess I feel immature and uncompromising at the time I heard that. Man, it's K's only 1st birthday that actually falls on a Saturday, and they never consider our plans before planning their birthdays. But, when I step back I have to admit I can change the day because I want the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins at our kids' party. I can be flexible. I can compromise. But man it sucks when you think that it's a given that a party will be given on that particular day, yeah the b-day of that person, not a week later. So my mom, hubby agreed to do something special on their b-days the 3rd and 6th of June. Then have a bigger party on the 13th. I don't know if this happens to other people. Never really paid attn until now. It's not the inlaws fault there is a conflict. Anyways, I am rambling that's it. I had to work through this crap.
Weight note: sucks that I am not down more than I thought. I broke down and weighted cause it's been 3 wks. (168) I shouldn't have weighed after a dinner that consisted of margaritas and king crab legs (with salted butter). That was my mother's day dinner last night. Well, this morning I wanted to go to the spin class but was afraid it was cancelled cause of Mother's Day, I ran on the tread mill 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. I was glad I did that to break even with all the calories I consumed this weekend. Today I took my mom for a manicure and then we came back and went for a swim in our pool. It was so nice. We BBQd burgers for lunch. Now my almost 3 year old is sleeping with hubby on the couch. How did that happen? I should be sleeping????? Ha j/k.
another note to self: Throw the damn scale out the two-story window!
Happy Mother's Day to all the MOMs!!!!!!!!!!
Have a happy week:)))))) Really the scale sucks the happiness through the bottom of my feet everytime I step on it!!

Uplifting Thoughts

2009-05-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well, what can I say? I have just been busy! Geez, I want a day to get freakin organized. My car is a clutter of toys, workout gear, empty water bottles, coffee cups, baby wipes and it all is so frustrating.!!! Okay, I got that off my chest. Speaking of chest, I went to Victoria Secret to get fitted for a new braaaa. Yep, havent gotten a new one since I was preggo. (My baby Katie will be 11 months tomorrow!!!) I had some bras from before that just wasnt fitting right. She actually measured me a D? Hmmm... that's odd. I remember always being a B then preggo a C,,, but measured a D? Anyways, I also wanted something uplifting and bought a 50 dollar push up bra. Never in my life. But the girls reallly need a lift.
Next thing I did today was make an appt. with a vein specialist to get these horrid varicose veins GONE forever. So on the 14th (my 5 month bandiversary) I go for the complimentary appt with ultrasound to see how bad they are and get a quote for laser. I am so excited about this procedure because I haven't worn shorts since capris came out. Then discovered they aren't so attractive on a short person like me. So I want this done before summer.
Regarding my band. Yep it's still working. Just today I was trying to eat a chicken sand and it gave me a lot of trouble to the point of throwing it up. Tried again and still a no go. Had no problem with Cinco de Mayo-Carne Asada taco and rice. Go figure.
I dont know how much I weigh because my scale is in the closet. I feel free and don't really care. I know I am giving it my all when I workout. Last week I worked out 4 days. One of those days was a spin class that I swear I was dripping wet! This morning I ran 2 miles without any effort. I was sweaty but I can't believe how easy it was. Loving the exercise. Hating how hard it is but I know it's working. Not to mention the comments I get about my clothes or weight loss. Still wierd that this is really happening.
I just love reading everyone's blogs and wish that I could comment on everything people write about. Right now it's my bed time. I will have a new reader, welcome my bestest friend from high school who inspired me to get the band. I love you my friend and everytime we talk it's like I am that young girl from long ago. I miss you and we are forever best friends. Good night all!!!! Work hard and play harder:))))) (Note to self:::: Clean your car out tomorrow!!!!)

Peace and Quiet

2009-04-25T12:00:00.001-07:00

I am happy to be back blogging. Been wanting to blog but we switched internet providers and there was a problem. We had dial up for a while and it was really slow. Now things are working again, except we need a wireless router. Anyways, I am happy to report I know I have lost weight but not sure how much. I have stopped weighing myself. I think about it constantly but I want to be surprised when I finally step on the scale, instead of disappointed when I would weigh several times a day. So my clothes are feeling really loose. Clothes that I wore before I got pregnant with K. I also have been getting some real sincere compliments from people that normally don't say things like that to me. I get embarrassed and uncomfortable. I just say I'm working on it. They know too because I am working out with most of them in our class after school.
Last week was rough with my workouts. Kaitlyn (10mths) had ear infections and fevers for Wed, Thur, and Fri. So I missed my workouts. Couldn't take her to the gym either and my husband was working. Then Kaitlyn was up most nights with fevers and pain so I didn't get much sleep. The thing is I reaaallly missed my workouts. I love them and feel so much better. My anxiety decreases tremendously. My mind becomes clearer and more focused. I love to workout in classes with music and my awesome trainer/teacher. This lady is so creative with the routines that we will work the muscle groups but in different ways. And through out the class there is lots of cardio mixed in, weights, sometimes pilates, and of course lots of abs. I have Jillian Michaels get shredded in 30 day workout and it reminds me so much of my trainer. I could never have planned how this whole exercise thing evolved. It started with my principal meeting the teacher/trainer at her gym. My principal asked her to teach at our school. Then when I was on vacation I asked the trainer if I could join her at one of her bootcamp classes at a park near where I live. Then I joined the gym where she teaches. It might sound like I am stalking her. My goal it to get 4 days of workout in my week.
Okay, this post is really long. I just love that I am alone. Baby is napping, my oldest is at my mom's house, Tim is at his last of his last class in a project management program, and the dog and cat are asleep. Whew!!! Another thing that makes me feel like I am alone is my cell phone was dunked in a cup of coffee last Monday. My lovely almost 3 year old climbed in the front seat of my car and was playing. I was right outside saying goodbye to his sitter. I got in the car and kept hearing this vibrating sound and smelling something all while the car was off. Yep submerged is my phone. The first couple days I felt lost with it. Now I am loving the peace!!!!! It's not phone calls that I am talking about it's the texting. Tim and I are constantly texting thoughout the day. All the time we are away from each other.Yes it's great communication but I don't realize how much time I spend on that thing. Another distraction in the life of many, t.v., cell phones, computer. I have had less of cell and computer this week and it was actually an eye opening experience.
Another thing I did this week....I sat in my backyard to listen to the birds wake up and watch as it became light. It was about 5:30 and i only sat about 10 minutes but it was beautiful and so loud too!!! I suggest if you can spend some time waking up with the world.
Last thing: Another reminder I am a mother: my son is spending the day and night at my mom's. He's never slept anywhere without us. I feel like a piece of me is missing. The weirdest feeling. My mom asked to take him and I totally believe he is safe and all but I can't help missing his laughter, funny sayings, tantrums, bathroom battles, all the things we do with our almost 3 year old. I guess this feeling will never go away. He was so cute with his new rolling suitcase/backpack. Bye mom and walked out on his own. So grown up!!!! I will share those pictures one day.
I have to catch up on all your blogs and do some posting. Have a great Saturday! We will be going to get a new cell phone (I even might get internet on it). So totally contradicts my post above:)))))

"Your body is the servant of your mind"

2009-04-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

My countdown is on...4 more days of vacation!! This has been the best and busiest 4 weeks. I am feeling so good about life. I am doing things out of my comfort zone or new to me. The biggest has been working out and like crazy. I am more focused than ever. I am trying my hardest to just do it and not be so self conscience. For instance, went to a spin class this morning, my first spin class ever. Well, it was the wierdest feeling and everything was shaking on my body. I think I was the heaviest person there. Mentally, I told myself to stop the negative talk. This is making me strong. Who cares about how much I sweat and how my hair gets really curly and wild looking. I just thanked the teacher and darted out of there to go home and shower. I felt awesome and couldn't believe how hard it was and I did it!!
Well, the scale has not been moving. It's stuck and so I asked our workout teacher what diet she recommends. She told me this is what she does (which in my head I know already but don't really follow) 1. Don't eat starches after noon. Have wet carbs as in fruits/veggies.
2. no sugar 3. no alcohol 4. lots of water 5. limit sodium/salt. 6. lean proteins like chicken and fish. She also recommended reading Jillian Michaels books. So I picked those up. I have to change the way I am eating and stick to it. Yes I cant eat as much but I shouldn't be having cookies and wine. Another thing I am going to start doing again is writing down everything that goes into my mouth. I bought the Calorie King book to tell me calories in the things I eat. Cause basically I don't know how many calories I consume in a day.
Another book I found in the bargain section is called Mind Over Body. Opening quote
"Your body is the servant of your mind, and has no choice but to obey your thoughts." This book stuck out to me because I know I have negative thoughts about myself and need to change my thinking to be successful at losing weight. I will share more after I read the book. Have a great night all!!!!

Feeling alot Better!!

2009-04-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yep, woke up with a clearer head. I am all mental sometimes. Tim and I text all day just about. So I know when I woke up there would be a text about yesterday. We made up and all but texting all day just lets each other know we are thinking of each other. Although at times I am so freakin' busy with the kids that it's hard to type all that much. He understands.

Anyways, got the kids up and took Matthew to the sitters. Kaitlyn and I went to work out at my school. I am getting stronger and I am feeling better. Usually, I am comparing myself to others and how I am doing. I am done with that. I need to stay tuned into myself. Do my best.

After working out I went and picked up pictures from our trip, a costco run (like sam's club or bj's), bank, then finally home. Kaitlyn is so cute and gets a lot of attention. I am still trying to get used to that. People love to talk to you when you have a baby. It's fun. Lately, almost everyone says how tiny she is. On Thurs. she is having an upper gi and blood work done to see if there is a cause for her being under weight. Imagine that! A child of mine under weight!

Then after the errands it was naptime. I am so guilty of having a nap when I can. I think of the laundry and stuff on my list. Nope not today again. It feels wonderful to nap during the day. I get my best sleep. Remember I usually and up 1-2 times during the night with kids.

In my pictures I got some of my weight loss progress developed. I can see a difference and have to remember it is gradual. Even though I sweat so much I think am I skinny yet, or can you tell I just sweat my ass off? I am being daring now to show everyone. Let me preface by saying all the

pics where I am wearing black are preop incase you can't tell. Okay the before pics are

embarrassing. I had to start somewhere or my weight would keep going up and up.

The picture on left was taken December 12 (two days before my surgery.) On the right taken March 28th.

Left taken hours before surgery December 14, 2008
Middle and Right taken March 27, 2009 (I like the arms out don't look too much like a doofus) Next time I will have Tim get closer so the pics are more similar.

Anyways, I am done for the night. Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Working out at 10 then I am coming home and doing laundry. I mean from start to folding to putting away. It is driving me crazy how much time I waste by looking for matching socks for my kids. Grrr... I have to get organized. Then I am going to work on Kaitlyn's baby book. Yes, I just bought one today at Costco. Having number 2 is different I didn't need a shower cause we had all the basics and we received tons of girl clothes, but not a baby book. Have a great evening all:)))))

Why is it so hard for me to think of titles?

2009-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

I want to blog then I don't want to blog... I feel like being alone in my thoughts, but then that's what I always do. I want to be different so I will open up here. I feel guilty that I have such a bad attitude. I have everything in the world to be happy about. Yesterday I was amazingly happy. Happiest I've been and full of optimism and just letting what is...is. Letting what will be... will be. Then today my brain turned upside down and fell flat. I know what is behind the manicness...I stopped taking my zoloft. Last Monday was my last WTF is wrong with me? The week was just flowing and everything was easy so I thought this isn't so bad and I don't have any side effects. Well, yesterday afternoon it hit me. I was getting dizzy and a headache. I took ibuprophen and talked to Tim about it. Had dinner and went to bed. Well, this morning I wanted to just have a great day around the house enjoying Tim and the kids and the weather. Just like yesterday was just beautiful... Well, Tim and I had two different agendas. So the kids are needing us and we are depending on each other to watch them and things were just out of balance. Then he wanted to go to target. Not me cause it was almost kids lunch time and nap. then if we leave the house they will be all off schedule and lucky to get a good nap. So I was like take Matt and I'll stay. Then I said I would go, but not really into it at all. Let me just say I am not feeling well and the last thing I wanted to go shopping today. So that's when I realized okay I need to take my zoloft. i had to get rid of this anger and confusion and dizziness. I took it and went and layed down. It really scared me how out of control I felt and what I was trying to communicate was coming out all jacked up. Needless to say today was really hard.
My weight loss really sucks right now too. I am working out an average of 4 times a week. Why do I feel like I should be losing lots of weight? I know in time but geez. The trainer that goes to my school said I could join her two other days when she trains some other ladies at a park. Erin is her name and she kicks our a@@! Everytime I work out with her I am pushed to my limit and feel so out of shape. But I have to be making some progress cause it's been January I have been with her. On Thurs. we hiked up the mountains and not just hiked, she made us run part way. Then when we came down she said run up 2 more times part way. Geez it about killed me. I had to walk it. If that is not enough days with Erin I joined the gym she teaches at. It's very small and only a limited number of memberships are given out. So Saturday I went to a class and took my kids in the daycare. They were awesome and I felt real comfortable there.
Back to my weight loss, the numbers haven''t been moving down. Yes, things get stuck so I have restriction but I think I have been eating the wrong things. A few sweets and a little extra after my fullness goes away. Oh, wait it really could be the wine I am consuming nightly. I am cutting back. The wine we bought on our mini vacation was so good. Now it's time to cut back. I am wasting all the workouts on wine and the wrong foods.
Another thing I am upset about is I went to see my primary care physician to get a referral to see a vein specialist. I need to have my varicose veins fixed and taken away. They are horrible and disgusting. I am so embarrased to have these legs. Well the dr. didn't seem to think they were as serious. It's very hard to get that kind of referral. His joking manner irked me. He said that later in life if I have heart problems I could use my veins for my heart. So I have to wait to see if the medical director deems my legs worthy of repair. BS. So on to see a specialist that I will end up paying out of pocket.
Hmmmm, anything else I can bitch about? Well, I have laundry piled up and why do I have to be the one to do it and think about what the kids wear daily. Hmmmm.... why do i have to think and plan dinners? Hmmmm.... why do I have to make all the appointments and phone calls?... I am so lucky to have a hard working loving husband. I guess I just need to keep taking my 'happy pills'. I am happier that way? That is sad, I don't want that to be the case. So I think I will slowly decrease the med until I am weened off.
Thanks for listening to what is real with me. This to shall pass:)

Lovely Weekend!

2009-03-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

We had the best weekend in a looong time, just the two of us!!! The weather was absolutely beautiful! Tim was so surprised of all the things I planned. Friday we picked up the rented convertible and on our way we stopped for lunch. I can't believe how tight I am. I had buffulo tenders and only a couple before it got stuck so off to the bathroom. Although, my appletini went down just fine. I had wine and stawberries waiting for us in our bungalo. I didn't realize it was going to be sparkling so I had just a little. Then off to our couple massages. It was sooo much fun and plush. The spa was so organized and relaxing. Afterwards we had another glass of wine overlooking the vineyard. We decided to grab an appetizer in the bar and quick drink. Well the pianist was just lovely and we ended up staying and having a bottle of Merlot Rose. That was so delicious!! I also had calamari and shrimp which I had to visit the bathroom once to get unstuck.
On Saturday we woke to our bungalows surrounded by hot air balloons. One was about 30 feet from our patio. After gettin up and about we went to breakfast and I couldn't eat but a few bites until I was stuck. I think I was having too much coffee. So I gave up on my omelet. After breakfast we went to 4 different wineries via a shuttle. At the second winery we had lunch. Again, so delicious but I could only eat half of my panini sandwich and only the chicken. I made sure I chewed really well. The sandwich was delicious and I wish I could have eaten more. The white cabernet was the best!!! Didn't know there was such a wine. Bought that one.
After the wine tours we had a great nap. Then off to dinner. Michael Jordan was having dinner in the same restaurant with a big group. Interesting. I had a wonderful Frutti D'Mare which has different seafood in pasta. I find shrimp is really hard to go down. I did splurge and got a cheesecake to go. All in all it was an interesting weekend when it came to eating. Tim was shocked at breakfast how little I eat and at dinner how much. To me it's not a lot compared to what I would normally eat. Another realization is when you actually chew your food you can tell what it really taste like. Last week we go home late and I ran out and got McD's. I ordered the grilled chic caesar salad like usual but had a couple of Tim's fries. Yuck. I chewed really slow and blahhh! But all the food we had over the weekend had so many flavors and was so fresh. MMMM.. I didn't weigh myself because even though I ate very little, I drank a lot! It was so much fun and can't wait to do it again. This is prob boring to anyone reading but I was excited to to plan it for my hubby.
Another random thought about the band, okay when I have something i want to eat cause mentally it's going to fill that "whatever" and I stand up and eat. I get stuck and it hurts. It's like shouting at me, "what are you doing" "do you need this" slow down, what's the rush, eat civilized and grab a chair, is the pain worth this bite? I am learning so much about myself and eating.
Well, off to bed. Didn't workout today because we took the kids to Disneyland. So tomorrow we have bootcamp at the park. The slopes are all filled with mustard plants and it's just lovely to look at while working out. Happy Tuesday!!!

1 Slice of Pizza? No way not me!

2009-03-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, I can't believe that is me saying that. Never in my life had I just had one slice! But really I couldn't eat anymore or I would get stuck or throw it up. I love having restriction because it feels like it's finally working. Okay, honestly it really does remind me to not eat that extra bite when no ones looking. Last night we had spaghetti and I ate slowly until I was satisfied. Really almost everything has been making my throat hurt like it's about to get stuck. I now know it's because I am eating too fast. Well, anyway when I was putting leftovers away, I started to take bites of the garlic bread. It was going down okay but then it stopped and I had to throw it up. I regretted doing that and it hurt. Luckily my hubby went upstairs to put LO down to bed.
On another note I had a great day on yesterday with my lapband buddy. We decided to go walking and enjoyed the gorgeous southern Ca day! I love March, it's so crisp and warm but not hot. Anyways, we talked about everything and it was great to compare thoughts and experiences about the lapband. Not just anyone knows what pb means or sliming. Ha, well here are some pics of our walk. I can't figure how to move the pics around.

Anyways, thanks everyone for blogging, being honest, and having a sense of humor!!!

I Feel Restriction!!!! (Finally!!!!)

2009-03-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

Finally, I am feeling the lapband at work. Today was my 2nd fill and I am so happy I am finally feeling something. I am ready for this to work. I have to say that it is really hard for me to know what I am supposed to feel while the dr. is injecting saline. The nurse and dr. are looking at me and he asked me to count as I swallow. I really have a hard time with that. I think because they are looking at me and at each other. So another way the dr. described what I want to feel is the water needs to feel like it is going down an alley not going down the freeway at 80 mph. Now that made sense to me and I can feel that. He also took out the old saline (then put it back in) just to see if the band is holding what it should. I was happy to not have a leak. I am so focused on numbers and he said not to worry about it. Easily said than done. I know I have lost weight and mostly inches, but I thought it would be faster and I don't want this to be a gimic. Spending this amount of money I want to be successful and not a failure like all the past diets.
So I have had coffee this morning and for dinner I had some tomato soup. I feel restriction when I swallow and it gently goes down. I got full quickly and am so happy!!! On a side note, I have had a strange taste in my mouth today, and my stomach has made some strange noises too...?

I am so excited about going away next weekend with my hubby! I have been doing some shopping because I have been feeling better about myself and in the mood for change. I want to look better and cute. On Wednesday I went and had my nails done, a pedicure, and facial waxing. Then off to the salon for a new hair cut. It's already short but I needed a change so she colored and added more layers around my face so I don't have a bob anymore. Then I went shopping at NY & Company. I love the necklaces and earrings there. I love the spring colors that are out too. Then today I went shopping at JC Penny and ot 2 of these jackets. I know I probably over did it but couldn't decide between the 2 colors. http://www5.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?ItemID=160a8db&ItemTyp=C&GrpTyp=SIZ&ShowMenu=T&ShopBy=0&SearchString=worthington+jacket&RefPage=SearchDepartment.aspx&s4PageSize=15&CmCatId=EXTERNALsearchdepartment&Search1Prod=True
It is a purple (but looks like pink to me) short pea jacket. I also got one in black. (What not to Wear would say don't do that!) Hey, they were on sale and I had a coupon (33 each). I usually would only buy black but today I felt daring. I am trying to break out of this safe shell. I also bought an new purse that wasn't black either!!!! I got a some cute shirts and blouses. I bought things that I will be able to wear as I lose weight and adjust with draw stings. Sounds wierd to write that but alot of shirts tighten around the waist or neckline. I only found 1 pair of pants I wanted to buy. I have plenty of pants in all sizes that are still in style.

So I have 3 more weeks of vacation and am looking forward to spending time with my kids, my husband (our weekend), and getting together with friends. Usually, when I am on vacation I would just stay home and not visit anyone because I was so unmotivated. I can put on a smiley face and pretend to my friends that all is well and I had a great vacation. But I am now in a good place in my life. Physically feeling better, due to the lapband. Emotionally better, I think my hormones from pregnancy have leveled off and gone back to normal. Spiritually, Tim and I need to return to church. We are catholic but since our move and having babies we have strayed from attending services. Overall, we are spiritual people in our daily lives but haven't gotten involved in the church community like we should. Anyways, I am rambling. I had better get to bed. Kaitlyn (9mths) has been congested and keeps waking up, so it's going to be a long night. I am predicting a visit to the doctor for her this week. Just as long she's well for the weekend:)

Celebrate!!!!

2009-03-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Hour!!!!

Celebrate!!!! I am officially on vacation for 4 weeks!!!!

I love being a teacher!!! Stressful times right now with budget cuts but I have been teaching long enough to be safe:)))))

Now I need to get out of party mode. All weekend I have eaten what I wanted. It's all been crap food too. I have 12 days until I take my hubby to this place: www.southcoastwinery.com It's a couple hours from our house and a total surprise to him. I have to get serious about my eating. I worked out all week, only 3 days or running=5 miles and 2 days of our workout class. Cool thing is I am still going to the workout class even when school is closed. We are taking our kids too. The older ones will watch the preschoolers in the Kinder yard. Our babies will be in the pac n plays. My principal is the best. Then the trainer is working out 2 women at a park and she said I could join her 2 days a week. So I have the exercise covered. Now the eating.

My head is soooo f. I don't know why I am not more serious about the eating? I need a fill. I hope to have an appt. on Sunday. It's probably that I need a fill and now that I am working out it gives me permission to eat? Then I am more hungry too.

I just don't want to waste time by thinking about what I should do but just doing it. My other plans for the month are:

put my pics in albums, (some scrapbooking, but mainly organized and out of boxes)

spend time with kids taking them to parks, bookstores for story time

potty train Matthew, oh joy

Be a better wife to Tim:)

watch movies

read a good books

post to my blogger buddies

blog and try to be interesting

Since I am off about a month at a time it's customary for daycare providers to require us to pay half of price or whole price to keep the kids spot. I only pay half but she agreed to watch them 2x a week. So that's how I'll get to most of the stuff mentioned above. Me time.

Oh yeah, my weight went up again. but hope it will come off fast since I am working out again.

Well, I have to go get ready before the kids get up. More blogging later... add that to my list.

Down 23 Pounds Total!!

2009-03-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

Looking at planes with daddy

We were cooling off in the shade and Matt picked Katie a leaf. Ahhh.

The happy couple:))))))

Self Portrait because I am always the one taking pics:)

Daddy showing Matthew an airplane

Last weekend we had a great time. We went to Chino airport to look at planes. Tim is getting his pilot's license (only has taken him 4 years between work, school, kids, life). So here are some pics of us. It was one of those weekends that seemed to last forever and there was no tension or stress between any of us. We all have gotten over our colds and just felt good.

I am so excited to be down a total of 23 pounds. It's really starting to work but I am working hard also. Last Sunday I started to run on the treadmill in the mornings before my kids get up. That means I get up at 4, have some coffee, and then run. I ran 5 days for a total of 8.5 miles this week. I feel so strong and in control. At least my workout is done for the day and I don't have to think about what I "should" be doing. I also went to my workout class 2 days.

I have 5 more days of work until I am on vacation for 4 weeks. Last week it was crazy busy at work. Report cards were due yesterday and we had our Superintendent visit us. He wanted to see all the rooms. So needless to say our school had to look it's best. This is our first year being distinguished and we normally look good anyway, but it was great to clean up a little.

I wanted to do the Lindora online but just don't have the time to get on the computer to record foods and all. Plus limiting carbs is so hard. So I have been exercising and my portions are alot smaller since my fill. Even though I am not that tight. So I just don't have the time to log in and all that if I did I would blog more. Besides, facebook is so addicting:)

The big motivator for me is our weekend get away to a winery. It's a surprise for Tim. We are going to have massages on Friday and Sat we are going on tours of wineries on a shuttle. Then a romantic dinner on Sat night. So I have 19 days to lose the most I can. It's been 3 years since Tim and I had a get away:))))))))) Can't wait!!!!

I will post more later, especially when I am on vacation. You guys always write great blogs and very interesting. Thanks 4 blogging!

Feeling Better

2009-02-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

I guess what ever I was going through has passed. I am down another pound: total 21. I feel lighter today. I signed up for the 10 weeks free of Lindora online through mylapbandtlc.com. I know the program because I have paid for it several times. Lose great on it then gain it back. So I wonder if this time will be different. I am doing my own version. Not as hardcore and going in ketosis and protein days. I have been limiting my portions and eating more protein and less carbs. No white carbs and no sugar! Doing that helps my cravings and mood. I really don't have a lot of restriction yet. I have about 4 more weeks until the dr. said to come in for another fill.

Since last Thurs my big boy Matthew 2.9 mths., has been sick and just now is recovering from ear infections. He had high fevers for almost a week and we had to switch antibiotics. My baby girl, almost 9 months was referred to a GI (ped. gastrointesinal dr.) She just isn't gaining weight. Doesn't take after mom:) She is 15 pounds which today the dr. said is in the 3rd percentile. Kaitlyn has acid reflux and she is still spitting up food/formula all day long. I just thought it was normal because my son did that too. So basically, she isn't getting enough calories. So a bulimic baby? She is not a fussy baby at all. She eats fine. So we will find out more with seeing the specialist. I put up a pic of us taken last weekend.

More later....

Struggling

2009-02-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I have about 10 minutes to post. Hubby took Matthew to Home Depot. It has been a while since I posted and I have got to get it together. There was Valentines, (chocolate and cookies), then I visited my dad up north and more eating, then no excuses just eating. I think I need a diet like weight watchers, or some program. I have restriction and have been stuck twice. All my fault by eating too fast and secretly. It's all mental. First was at my dad's and we had donuts and I wanted another but didn't want the scrutiny of watchful eyes, so I snuck one and ate too quickly. Boy did it hurt, I had to make it come back up. Gross but it had to. I haven't gained weight, actually I am down 20 pounds. I have been working out, I have been stopping when I am full for the most part. It's mainly food choices. The other time I got stuck was extra piece of hamburger and didn't chew good enough. I am testing my band and seeing how it really works. Stupid.
Another thing is I have been getting postive comments from coworkers about my weight loss. I told Tim and he reminded me this is where I start sabatoging myself. In the past when I start to feel better and clothes feel better on me, I am not as serious about my food choices. He also commented last night "He doesn't get this wls thing, you can eat as much as me". I responded by saying that I won't finish the burger or eat 1/2 the bun. So that's when I ate the rest when he went to bed. What was that about? So mental I know.
What I want is more time to reflect and journal to figure this crap out. I haven't changed even though I have the band. I thought it would be easier. I thought it would stop me from eating. I need to change my thinking and do better. Anyways, I have to go and get some chores done. Katie is napping and I am free to get stuff done.
Excited about going to the Nascar race tomorrow with friends. First one I've been to.
Also, 3 more weeks of work then I am off for a 4 week vacation. (Love working on a year round school schedule:)
Goals: Eat better! Reflect and slow down.
Thanks friends for writing to me I will try to respond soon. Have a great weekend!

Got my First Fill!

2009-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my first fill. It didn't hurt but if was very bizarre how I could feel it. My doctor did a great job on finding it and I had to drink water while he filled. Wierd how the water would stop in my throat then go down once he adjusted. He put in 2.5cc. I have been on liquids since until tomorrow then resume a normal lap diet. I am excited I am down a solid 19 pounds so far. It has been going up one down one up two, down one and soooo onnnn.
This weeks goals:

Drink 64 oz of water
workout 5x this week
start tracking my diet and calories on Fitday.com
cook chicken breast and store them for this weeks lunches
lose at least 2 pounds

I talked to me dr. about the meds I am on. He thinks I should slowly decrease and go off them completely. Scary to think what will happen. They have been a safety net for me. Although my thoughts lately have been unfocused and actions even worse. I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. It's like sometimes when I clean house I won't finish one thing at a time thne I have a bigger mess. That feels like my head. Worse yet, I have two houses I am in charge of: school and home. I think my aunt flo is coming and this will pass when it starts. please do. I hate feeling disorganized and out of control. i hate comparing myself to others and then beating myself up. I feel like I am not good enough or working hard enough. I have to give myself a break. But then I go into denial and have something to eat that I shouldn't. I have 50 more pounds to lose! That's a lot. I still weigh more than my husband, more than almost all my friends. Funny that I am the biggest one in my workout group out of 16, and I am still the heaviest. They are so fit and skinny and still working just as hard. I am rambling and not sure where these posts are going?

Loving being home today in this rainy weather! My son is watching Polar Express again, ha! My daughter is rocking on her knees to practice for crawling sooooon. Watch out! My hubby is at work. Me? I am going to have a great day! I wish I could take the kids out but they have runny noses and the weather wouldn't be good for them. Especially, what Matthew could do in the mud. Nope. Have a great day all! Thanks for reading.

It's Friday!

2009-02-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I have posted. I have been busy with life at home. Two kids, my husband, keeping house, dinners, school stuff, then sleep. I think I am exhausted. I have been working out at work twice a week and ran on Tues. Thursday it rained and I didn't get a work out in. I am feeling stronger but my weight has not changed. Sometimes I feel so good and light. Sometimes I feel that I don't have a band and I am disappointed and wondering if I wasted the money? I am scared to fail again and waste the money like all the other things I have tried. My diet has been so-so. Not great but not really terrible. I have my first fill on Sunday. I feel like telling him to make it tight so I feel something. I want to lose this and see the results from my workouts. My trainer did say she can tell I am improving. Hmm. I think I am PMSing. This always happens once a month when it feels like everything is just going wrong. I don't feel good and things are not in order. That's the perfectionist side of me. I just want to relax and be happy.

I have so much anxiety over stuff and feel so unfocused on tasks sometimes. Could be my medication. I am on zoloft for ppd (mostly anxiety) and not sure if it's the right dosage anymore. Work has been crazy with completing district assessments. First grade assessments require me to work with kids one to one and I can't teach as I normally do because I have to complete the assessments. So it drives me crazy to expect first graders to work independently for so long. Now with the budget crisis our district cancelled our third trimester assessments. Worried about all the changes coming. Don't want to lose our class size reduction (20 to 1). I would rather have 5 less work days = pay cut for one year until we negotiate our salary the following year. Not to mention the loss of 9 teachers at our school if classes are made bigger. I think my job is pretty secure. Also supplies are limited and we are feeling the crisis now. It really sucks that paper is like gold now. Enough about all that. It will all work out as it does.

I am going to try to change my blog layout. I love Wendy's new blog, so cute. I will give it a try we will see. Thanks for listening and hope it wasn't too negative. I look forward to being on a 4 week vacation starting March 13. My school is on a single track modified year round schedule. Love it. I am planning a weekend get away with Tim for 2 nights at a winery in Temecula. I am planning on wine tasting all day and a romantic dinner at the winery we are staying at. Grandma will be watching the kiddos. I want to look better for that weekend. Then I have my kids birthdays on June 3rd (Matt will be 3) and on the 6th Kaitlyn will be 1! I hope I have dropped a lot of weight. I hope the band will start working after my fill. Bye for now.

Hiking Sierra Peak

2009-01-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

View of our street from Sierra Peak

The white blooming bushes I mentioned in previous post.

Kaitlyn at the top

Prado Dam at the 71/91 interchange

That's our street behind Matt & Tim (Dad)

Well, today I was mentioning to Tim it would be a great day for a hike. We had talked about hiking the mountains around our house since we moved here almost 3 years ago. So, we did it. It was so much fun being outside and watching Matthew. He was throwing rocks, picking up sticks, digging in dirt, and finding stranded balloons. I felt a million miles away in my own backyard. Actually, the pic to Tim and Matt has our street in the background. We live at the top of the street. Love it here, it's so quiet because we are on a cul-de-sac with only 3 houses past ours. So we know all the neighbors on our street too. Not many kids here but that's okay.
I felt good hiking. We took turns holding Kaitlyn. She was so good and didn't fuss at all. Anyways, I just wanted to share with you guys. Have a great week all.

Feeling Better

2009-01-25T08:38:00.000-08:00

Loving the rain here is So Cal. My house backs up a National Forest and it's turning all green and some bushes are blooming white. Normally, in the summer our hills are dry and brownish. Anyways, I am feeling better than my previous post. Sometimes I just get down, pretty normal I would say. When I do get down I really take it out on myself. Usually others can't tell, I can hide it well I would say. All part of this process is about me finding new ways to cope with feelings instead of eating. I really need to pay more attention to that because I want to lose this weight without any road blocks that will prevent me succeeding.
Some NSV (non-scale victories) this week:

my rings are looser and look better
found that I could wear a pair of jeans I haven't worn in 2 years (size 14 petite)
made a healthy homemade pizza that I was craving (used to order large King Arthur Supreme from Round Table then watch the Biggest Loser!) ha
Wore my cute new shoes and one of my first graders shouted, "Cute shoes!" Made me feel good. No more flip flops!

Goals this week:

Work out 5x this week (2 classes and 3 on treadmill and/or Jillian Michael's DVD)
Drink more water instead of more coffee
Make a list of rewards for every 5-10 pounds I lose: (today I am getting a pedicure) Not sure of other rewards (massage, new shoes) My reward when I reach goal is buying a pair of Lucky jeans. I don't know if they fit my shape but I will try to find the perfect jeans. I would love to be on the show "what not to wear". So I want a total makeover with $5000 in New York City!

Anyone else doing this? What's on your reward list?

As for weight loss this week. Yesterday I was down 1 pound and this morning it was up 1 pound so I stayed the same as last Sunday (17 pds total). I hate when that happens especially on my weekly Sunday weigh in. So if that pound comes off tomorrow and stays off I will record it next week.

Well, off to do my Sunday chores (laundry, cleaning, shopping). Happy Sunday!

One Day at A Time

2009-01-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

I have to realize that this weight loss is going to take time. Yesterday was a bad day mentally. I was so hard on myself and just real judgemental about everything about myself. I have been feeling so good lately and this came out of the blue. I started my workout yesterday and was running behind some really fit women to warm up. One of them was talking about her new sports bra and asked if you could see any back fat coming over the bra. Of course not. But then as I was running I was feeling the heaviness of my body bounce as I ran. My lungs burning and I was falling further behind. As others started to run and warm up I felt so bad. I look at everyone running and by that time I am walking. Through the whole class I felt isolated and was coming in last at all the activities. I was so angry at myself for being so out of shape. I am the heaviest person in the class. 4 of us have had babies in the last year. My face was beet red when we finished the class. The instructor yells (that's her style), "Don't cheat!" and "Don't waste your time being here!". I am not but I feel like she's talking to me. I don't know why I am going through this. Then my thought was, "I just had surgery and I am still fat." I hate to compare myself to others.
As far as my eating. It has been good. I haven't been eating breakfast. I have been having about a half a protein bar at 10 and my lunch time is 11. For lunch this week I have had Healthy Choice steamers, left over turkey sloppy joe and 1/2 bun. Dinners have been low fat and small portions. I don't feel as hungry and can go longer between meals compared to when I was on mushies. I did get some 100 calorie snacks for my sweet tooth. I will be curious to see if I lost anything this week. So far holding steady. Anyways I don't have much more to say. Happy Friday!!!! One day at a time.

Loving the day off!

2009-01-19T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have loved my day. My mom stayed the weekend and when she does she watches the kids while I do errands. So this morning I spent a couple hours at the grocery store shopping with my coupons. I am so excited to save almost 40 dollars. It takes so much time though. I got some good deals. Came home and we packed up the kids and went to Target. I got some new workout clothes, stability ball, and a Jillian Micheals workout DVD. I need to workout more than 2x a week. So I thought I would try a DVD. I am so happy to have bought 5 pair of shoes at Off Broadway!!! They are soooo cute! Not flip flops either. The best thing is that they are going out of business and were really cheap. But brand names! Yeah! What not to Wear people would be proud of the stylish flats that I got.

So after spending many hours thinking about how I am going to eat, I thought I would eat what my family eats until I get full. My dieting brain tells me I shouldn't eat certain foods (carbs) and just fattening stuff. Well we are going to cook healthy and I will have a little bit of it. I am trusting my band will tell me I am full. All the years of dieting and it not working I am scared the band won't work. Hmm. I will sort it all out. Tim took some pics of me yesterday to compare with the day of surgery. I can tell the difference and I look forward to losing more.

I am not disappointed that I didn't get a fill yesterday because I understand what the dr. was saying. I have never been sick or had anything stuck the way people on the message boards have. I don't really eat that slow either. Also I lost 2 pounds last week for a total of 17 in 5 weeks. Basically when I stop losing and can eat and eat it's time for a fill. So yesterday I made myself a roast beef sand on wheat, lite mayo, and lite chse. All was fine.

My kids are napping and it's so quiet. I almost fell asleep but I have too much I want to do but really don't feel like it. For instance, I have papers to grade, I have laundry to do, make a phone call for my hubby, organize photos, prep for the week (kids clothes, breakfasts, ect.). But here I sit on the computer and watching Housewives of OC (ridiculous I know).

No Fill Today

2009-01-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to see the dr. today. We had a good discussion and I explained how I was eating for the past month. Liquids, mushies, and well, more mushies. I didn't realize that I really haven't been eating regular food consistently. I have had some chicken but for the most part its been oatmeal, yogurt, cottage cheese, refried beans, ect... Well, I was explaining that I don't feel any restriction and don't know if I need a fill. I told him I don't know what diet to follow. It's not a diet it's the lapband way he said. Smaller portions, regular food, protein first, and no drink half hour before and after the meal. Hmmm. So what I have been doing is eating and the food going right to my bigger stomach rather that filling up my smaller pouch before the band.
He said not to have too much anxiety over this and if I stop losing and it takes bigger portions to get full then I will get my fill. I am okay with that. I have been scared to eat regular food.
More later gotta go.

Sunday- A new week begins

2009-01-11T20:43:00.000-08:00

Can't believe it's Sunday night already. How time flies. I have prepped my foods for the week. I am down another pound. Now 15 even. My scale shows my body fat and that decreased. So that was good. My weight was up and down all week. Although, unexpectedly Aunt Flo came this morning. So I look forward to losing some this week.

Went to the grocery store today and for the first time I used coupons. I saved 30 dollars today! It was a lot of fun but time consuming. It's something I have wanted to do for a long time and finally got organized enough. Tim took Matt to Chino airport while I shopped. Oh yea, Matt didn't cry when he got his hair cut today. Milestone for us. Whew!

I am feeling a little lost with my diet. I am eating what I think are smaller portions compared to what i used to eat. No fast food, soda, beer, pasta, breads. So as we were driving to grocery store, Tim was asking me about measuring my foods. I really don't know how much I am allowed to eat. My guidelines were through mushy phase then gradually solids. I don't have any difficulty with food at all. I get a little defensive with Tim when he questions my eating or measuring (he's never disrespectful, just concerned). Tim is one that measures to the T for every recipe even if he's made it a dozen times. So I got defensive today. I am taking this seriously but I don't feel any different with the band. In the end he always keeps me honest with myself. I am probably eating too much still. So this week I am going to research that. Also, I am calling to make my fill appt. I am thinking that will determine my portion size. We shall see.

Off to bed I go. Wow Heath Ledger won a golden globe.

One Month Tomorrow

2009-01-10T18:22:00.000-08:00

It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since I was banded. I am not regretting anything at all. I finally am feeling better and more energetic. Although right now I feel like I am just doing a diet like I have in the past. I don't have restriction so it's all up to me to stop eating when I am full and make good choices.
My 2 workouts were good this week. I was sore this week and feel so out of shape. I am the heaviest person in the class and feel so slow compared to everyone. Especially when we are made to jog around the field or certain "football like" exercises. At one point I whispered to the instructor that I had abdominal surgery 3 weeks ago and that nobody knew about it. I work out with collegues at my work after school. She is probably looking at me thinking I know you didn't get a tummy tuck. Ha. But she cooled it on giving me instructions on how to do proper sit ups and bicycles, uggg. I was afraid to damage my band and my port area is still sore.
I weigh in tomorrow. I couldn't wait so I did it today. I was down a pound and my fat% was down too. It is so hard not to weight 10 times a day.
This week my goals are:
drink more water
continue to make good food choices and limit wine
continue to not wear flip flops. (I was always changing my shoes after work cause they hurt or sometimes after the last recess)
Well, I need to stop now to read with my son and start the bedtime routine.
I will post tomorrow.

1st day back to work

2009-01-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

Let me just say I am exhausted. I stayed up too late last night and was up too early. So tonight I am off to bed early. My class was excited to be back and they missed each other. First graders are so much fun. Chatty and loving. They are learning soo much.

Last night I prepped my lunches and breakfasts for the week. Sunday I made a huge pot of Beef Barley soup from the Eating for Life cookbook. I divided the soup into servings and froze some. I also made some Green Chile soup. Mmm good. It has homony in it. I did the same thing. I also boiled 18 eggs and made some egg salad. So with everything prepped I feel organized. This morning went smooth getting both kids up and dressed and out the door. I managed to get my oatmeal cooked. Before surgery I only had time for a huge mug of coffee. Although, I had to eat it on the road. I took a protein shake for my snack.
Tonight I prepped again for tomorrow. Snack will be lowfat cottage cheese mixed with yogurt. Beef Barley for lunch, and protein drink for afternoon snack.

Today after school I worked out. My principal brought in a personal trainer for the teachers. So it's so easy to get a good workout. The workout was bootcamp style in the multi purpose room. We brought our own mat, weights, and ball. I took it easy and really I am so out of shape. Wednesday the teacher said we would be doing mostly pilates. My stomach feels fine although I did take it easy.

Last thing that is bothering me is that I feel that I can eat and eat and eat like I did before the lapband. I feel totally normal like I did before the surgery. I don't feel any different. I don't know if it is working? Maybe I just need a fill for it to work. I shall see in a couple weeks.

By the way, just finished watching tivoed Oprah. She was sooo honest today about her weight. When she was introducing Cher and ?, she was embarrassed and ashamed of her body. I do have felt that way too. I was feeling some of that today when I was watching my principals jog around the field so easily and they are tinier and older than me. Oprah though feeling that way is so real.
Anyways, I will stop rambling.

Introducing myself...

2009-01-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

Kaitlyn on Christmas

My Hubby, Tim and son Matthew on Christmas

Me and Kaitlyn on Christmas

Matthew is helping decorate our tree.

I thought I would introduce myself and show some pictures of my family. I am 38 and a wife to Tim for 13 years. We have a son, Matthew (2yr 7mths) and Kaitly (7mths on the 6th). We tried for over 5 years to get pregnant and before that just thought it would happen naturally. Boy, that was one of the hardest time of my life going through infertility. We decided on trying IVF and Matthew is our miracle baby after 3 rounds of IVF. Crazy that I have pics of him when he was conceived. Now after he was born I knew I wanted a brother or sister for him. As we are on the older side I wanted him to have someone to share his life with. We discovered I was pregnant when he was 8 mths. We were elated and shocked cause we weren't even trying! but had a miscarrage. Then life went on and a few months later I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. Life works in mysterious ways!

As for work, I have been teaching for 12 years. I love everything about teaching. I currently teach 1st grade at a school I just love!!!!! I am very happy in my professional life. So I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with. Now if I can conquer this weight loss, I believe I will be more confident and free. Hence, Living Life the name of my blog. I have felt lately I haven't been living life. Just existing and tormenting and hating myself. My weight inhibits who I truely am. I withhold. I don't go out of my comfort zone. I want to be free!

I weighed in today and not change since last Sunday: 179. Down 14 pounds since Dec. 14. One part of me is happy that I am down at all because I couldn't have done it otherwise. The other part of me is disappointed that I didn't lose this week. I know I have been eating way too much. I don't have any restriction and I have been going too long between meals then overeating when I do eat. This coming week will be better. I go back to work tomorrow and will be busy. I also start my exercise class too.

Some exciting news: my son went pee pee in his potty! Tim and I really didn't think he was going to do it and we walked out of the bathroom. As he has done in the past just sat. He came out and said pee pee. He was so proud of himself and we were so excited for him. What a milestone! He's 2 years and 7 months to the day. It's just the beginning of potty training but its a start.

I am going to try to share my blog soon. I need to figure out how to do that. I am nervous about sharing anything so personal. I don't want to be judged. I am hard enough on myself and that is something I am working on daily. I don't feel like I have a handle on the lapband thing. I don't feel any different. I feel that what I eat I am cheating. Not sure what to be eating. I am starting regular foods. I am afraid that I am going to damage my band and it's going to be a waste of money and a HUGE disaapointment to my husband. He has always been soooo supportive of me and my efforts. He has given me several compliments and that has felt good.

I will close for now. Thanks for listening. I will try to stop hiding and share my blog. Whew...big step for me breaking out.

Organizing my Life

2009-01-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I am trying to find time to blog. Right now I am standing at our kitchen counter typing because my 2 year old would be on my lap if I were at the table. Tomorrow I do my weekly weigh in at home. I don't think I have lost anything. I think I have been eating too much. I don't feel restricted and am afraid it's not going to work.
I have been busy getting stuff organized. All closets, drawers, cabinets, and garage are now organized. The only place left is my walk in closet needs to be cleaned out. I have all sizes and maternity clothes to go through. I return to work Monday after being off 3 weeks. I am excited to see my friends and my students/families. I teach first grade and love it. It's demanding and I need a lot of patience daily. Also, my principal has brought in a personal trainer for the teachers and staff to work out after school twice a week. I will have to take it easy on the tummy workout.
Yesterday I took my son for a walk. We ended up jogging and I felt so much lighter. So I think I will start on the treadmill today! My goal is to get into a routine.
Today I will:
drink water
eat protein
30 min on treadmill
send pics to my dad
organize my closet
spend quality time with Tim and kids
I will go now to accomplish my things. Have a great Saturday!

Happy New Year! 2009 is my Year!

2008-12-31T22:16:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to me. I feel this is a new beginning in so many ways. It's time to start living life to the fullest and no holding back. I had my lap band surgery Dec. 14 and have so far lost about 15 pounds. I have been going up and down a pound the last couple days. I have decided to blog about it. I think it will help me document my feelings and connect with others going through the same thing.
My husband is working tonight but this is the text he sent me, "I hope you take a minute to look in the mirror and appreciate the progress you have made in only two weeks. You are looking great!" Wow! It is so nice to have a compliment. For so long I have been feeling bad about myself. I feel so good right now. Content and energetic. My self hatred has decreased. I am happier already. I am optimistic about the future and losing weight. Before the band when I would think about losing weight I would fear failing again. I have gone up and down so many times that disappointing myself another time is so hard. So far I love my band.
I can't wait for the months to come and seeing the progress I have made.